You would think my stomach could tell me when to stop eating!!!!!! But as we all know, hunger is a vast pit of definition. Not merely are we hungry for food but what else are we all hungry for. I know what I am hungry for but we'll get to that later. I know you are all dying to know did I go? The answer is yes. I have been going to Weight Watchers. I have been going every Monday except for the snow storm. SO I have been four times in five weeks. I have lost 4.8 pounds. I lost 2.8 the first week and then 2 more pounds the second week. And then the snow came. Three days of being inside with little honey bunny and no activity just threw me into a tail spin of noshing and baking. I know I could have gone outside and enjoyed the snow and done some sledding and some walking around but I got to tell you - I hate being cold and wet. More than hot and sweaty which is not especially pleasant either. When I was training for the Disney Marathon I had this one training run that was just brutal. It poured on us, and it was 30 degrees. We had to run 12 miles in the pouring rain and cold. I normally love the rain because it gives me that extra bad ass edge and makes me feel superior to all the other runners that hit the treadmill. If I can't be faster than I have to take my victories when I can get them. But this training run was so awful that I swore off the rain. I was so wet and cold that I thought I would never get warm. My feet and hands were completely prune like and I had water in my ears. My hands were close to frostbite and I almost had to cut my running bra off because it was so stuck to me. Unfortunately even the fact that this was the first snow my son had really ever seen I couldn't bring myself to go out and burn some calories. So I ate and I drank and I made cookies. For three days. But when little honey bunny finally got back on the school bus I hauled my butt to the gym and I worked out every day until I had to weigh in on Monday. Which is why I gave them my no weigh in pass. This little slip of paper comes in handy for small emergencies like the snow storm. You can attend the meeting but not step on the scale. Now I had weighed myself at home every day. I am one of those compulsive people that must weigh every day. I actually do better when I step on the scale. If I don't for long periods of time that means I really have fallen off some sort of wagon and I don't want to deal. Not knowing is just terrorizing for me. It's also paralyzing because then I think if I don't know the number than I cannot possibly be responsible for my behaviour. Knowledge is power for me. Some days I have let the scale be responsible for my mood. If the number is high than I am bummed out and hard on myself. If the number is low than I am happy and it is a good day. But truly, I think about my weight and my battle with it daily anyway. I have spent years beating myself up for it and praising myself for it and have even gone to therapy to stop it but the truth is - it is a part of me. I had this big epiphany at my meeting yesterday. I was sitting with mostly older women and the topic of the day was exercising. Now, I know a lot about exercising. I am really really good at exercising. I have run marathons. I go to the gym. I lift weights. I have had a trainer. I want to be a trainer. So when these "older" women were going on and on about how they just love to put on K.C. and the Sunshine Band and dance around the room and how they used their grandchild's hula hoop yesterday, I just want to roll my eyes at them (and I am a supremely good eye roller) and say "For God's Sake, get your old fat ass off the chair and go for a run!!!!!!!!" Now I know that this is so judgemental and I should be shot for this but it is my blog. So for a split second while I was sitting in my chair feeling sooooooooo superior I realized that I was sitting in the chair too. I was at a weight watchers meeting too. Most of those oldies but goodies were thinner than me. They had been coming longer than me and some of them had already lost more weight than I have to lose. They actually knew something that I have not learned yet. They have accomplished and mastered their dietary habits. Yep. Ate some humble pie yesterday. So I went out to my car in tears - not because I was sad that I hadn't lost any weight but because I realized I have yet to really try. I mean really really try. I mean really really try hard. Do my best. I haven't done it yet. I haven't really tried as hard as I possibly can. I haven't thrown the crap out of my pantry. I haven't eaten enough fruits and vegetables. It has been a long time since I have worked out 6 - 7 days a week. I haven't really had consistent sleep in months. I haven't hydrated since the Disney marathon. I haven't given up wine at night. I haven't chosen to eat at home all the time where I can control the food and my choices. This weight loss thing is going to be hard for me. I come from a family of big fat people. If I really want this I need to be disciplined and work hard. I have only done this a handful of times in my life. I am not kidding. I may not be genetically gifted but I am extremely lucky. I would also like to think that I am karmically blessed because I try to be a nice person and do the right thing.
So I got in my car on Monday and I called Honey Bunny and I told him that I was going to be relentless in my pursuit of skinny. No one was going to get in my way. No one was going to derail me and my intentions of getting fit and trim. I was going to use every resource available to me to get me where I need to be. You can join me or you can get the hell off my bus.
