One thing I am realizing more and more lately is that runners are (for the most part) really scrappy people. It is really hard for a runner to quit. The reason for this is at about every mile during a race their can be the potential to quit. To drop out. To give up. To give in to the pain. It would be easier to stop moving your legs, crawl to a recovery tent, get your flip flops on and start drinking the beer. But most runners most of the time don't. Because you just can't. Even if the run is epically bad, you keep going. A finished dead last is always preferable to a did not finish. Of course I know this to be true first hand. November still haunts me. 13.1 miles is a great distance for a half but not for the full.
This past weekend I completed the Shamrock Half Marathon as a training run. I finished. Got a medal and a cool shirt and an awesome hat. This was a great day for me. A finish line is the prize for me - no matter how hard fought or how easily completed. I just need to get there. To get there though - you must put in the hard work. Every day. I saw a shirt at the race this weekend that said Run. Eat. Rest. Repeat. So true - you have to do the time to do the crime.
What if we all tried to do this in most of the important areas in our lives? Let's see if this formula applies to a marriage...Listen. Love. Forgive. Repeat. How about kids...Listen. Love. Discipline. Repeat. O.K. - seems to work so far. House cleaning? Dust. Vacuum. Dishes. Repeat.
One of my favorite theories of buddhism is that before enlightenment you chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment you chop wood, carry water. I love the idea of this because in my life as in most people's chaos rules. Disorganization, too much work, bills, health care, play dates, baseball practice, love life, sex life, clothes that don't fit, closets that are a mess, people that need help, etc. etc. etc. I would love to have the time to sit and meditate and explore this idea but I don't. And I actually have more time than most - I am just full up like the rest of us. I have this friend who recently completed her first half marathon. She put in the work but she said she didn't enjoy the training. That the training gets in the way of her life. Honey Bunny asked me if I felt that way today. Do I really want to change my life back to the way it was before I trained all the time. This stemmed from me not wanting to go to bed at the same time as little honey bunny. Last night I wanted to stay up and have a glass of wine and watch some TV. I didn't want to rest. The answer of course is no I don't want to change my life. I love training. I love how bad ass it makes me feel and I love that I can say I put in the work. I love trying to get better and improve my time. In many areas of my life I have not put in the time. This area I have. And I am proud of it.
So when I get overwhelmed and the haunting of November creeps up on me (and believe me it does, not just on a run but in my everyday life) I try to remember the simple things. I try to chop wood, carry water. I run, I eat, I rest, I repeat. Somehow, in the little things, the big picture becomes clear.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
The One About Love
How do you treat yourself? I mean really treat yourself? Do you beat yourself up everyday? Do you throw yourself under the bus? Do you like yourself? Do you love yourself? Do you find yourself worthy of love? Do you think you deserve all of your blessings? Do you think you have earned all of the good things that have come your way? I mean really? I bet you don't. The reason you don't is most likely because you are a woman. I mean this with all of the buddhist kindness and southern love I can muster but women generally suck at this. Royally. Now guilt and shame - we got that one covered. Better than most. I don't think that the Jews and the Catholics have any sort of claim on this - I think just having a vagina justifies this talent and skill.
Why is this you ask? You don't ask? Well I do. I have been thinking about this so much lately. I have spent the last few weeks losing some weight. I have had some minor success. I seem to be on a roll and have found the thing that is working for me. I have lost 10.5 pounds and 10 inches in five weeks. I will share with you what I am doing at a later time because I simply don't want to jinx it. I can tell you that it is a formal weight loss program and there are several elements that seem to provide me with the motivation to keep going. The statement that has kicked off this storm of thoughts and emotions is this though - "Sarah, you need to find a non food reward. A way to make yourself feel loved and safe without calories."
HOLY SHIT NO I CAN'T BECAUSE THAT IS NOT WHAT I DO. I don't know how to feel safe without a bag of chips and I certainly don't know how to feel love without a brownie chaser. Comfort and security is best served with a nice cold Sauvignon Blanc. Peace and happiness for me is found at the nearest bakery or Cold Stone Creamery. To treat oneself means to take oneself out to eat.
So after I panicked, I made an appointment at the newest Spa on the block for a lovely facial. As I was laying under the warm blanket waiting for my absolutely beautiful master esthetician to make me gorgeous I was wondering if I really needed this. Actually what I thought was do I really deserve this. Can I afford to take the time and money and get a rub down and an exfoliation for one hour. Have I earned the right to feel better about myself and feel pretty. Well of course I have you might say and I might say laughing the whole silliness off. But what I really uncovered was - no I don't. It's hard. It is really hard to say - I deserve an hour of pampering because I have worked hard this week. I have earned the right to take some time for myself because I could use a break. While I am writing this I am at a public wine and coffee house and there is a man working next to me drinking a glass of wine. In the middle of the day...bet he doesn't feel guilty at all. Doesn't even think it's a treat - he just wanted a nice cold glass of white wine so he ordered it and is drinking it. Oh to be so free with the self loving.
I have been wrestling with so many emotions lately since I am no longer eating them away but this guilt and shame thing keeps coming to the surface.
Little honey bunny has been struggling lately in the social game - particularly in our neighborhood. He is not being picked on but he is one of the younger ones and the older kids are just pulling a I am too cool for school trip and aren't allowing him to play in any reindeer games. Of course this pisses me off and it annoys me but I also know it is normal boy stuff and a part of growing up. I have even caught him doing it to other young kids. So I have been trying to strike a balance when I talk to him about it. Yesterday afternoon he came home crying because he just wanted to play a football game and the other kids didn't so Honey Bunny was talking to him about how he was being treated. One of the things he said was that little honey bunny should remember this feeling and not make anyone else feel this way. Good lesson right? If you feel this bad when this happens to you - don't ever make anyone else feel that bad - even if they are not your best friend. I feel that some of this comes down to simple human decency. Treat others the way you want to be treated. I also say - don't give the other kids the opportunity to see that they got to you and know that Honey Bunny and Runner Girl are always there as a safe place to land. We do this for our children because we love them. Why don't we do this for ourselves? Why can't we provide our own squishy puffy landing pad? Why do we try to teach our children simple human decency when we can't even give it to ourselves? I will tell you why - it's because it is learned behavior. It is not something that is a part of our physical fiber. It is something that is taught and practiced and thought about - just like trying to parent and teach little honey bunny the golden rule. If you have not put this into your daily life most of your life - you don't have the skills. Loving yourself is a skill. It is something to be nurtured and practiced. It does not come easily if you are starting this later in life. In fact it can seem downright silly and useless and even embarrassing. I know most women do not want to come across as over confident or arrogant or egotistical. I ask you - who cares? Surely if you can run a household, raise your children, train for races, manage a marriage, hold down a full time job, give back to your family, practice a faith, walk your dogs, take care of your house, nurture your familial relationships, get your mammograms and pap smears then surely you can take less than five minutes a day to look in the mirror naked and actually appreciate what you see. Take even less than that - say sixty seconds - and look deeply into your own eyes every day and see what is in there. See the pain, the stress, the beauty, the strength, the love. See the love you have for everything around you but see the love you have for yourself. It takes love to get you where you want to be. Do you want to know how I know this? Well I'm gonna tell you. When I gave birth to little honey bunny I just about died from love. I know we all love our children and this is not a statement that is meant to cause some spitting contest on who loves their child more. No, it is a statement of fact that for me, I had never known such love. I love Honey Bunny like no other man. I was content to love him for the rest of my life and not give it to any other until little honey bunny came into my life. I can weep about this moment even still now as I am typing because it is so clear in my mind. Over nine years ago when he came out (via emergency c-section), they immediately brought him up to my side of the curtain and the layed his cheek on mine. My entire world view shifted. My heart shattered into a million pieces. Due to complications, little honey bunny struggled the first few weeks of his life and due to the massive drop in hormones and being in cold dark New York with no family or friends, my heart stayed in fragments for several months. At one point, I told Honey Bunny that I no longer loved him and could only have room in my heart for one person and little honey bunny was it. Yes this was cruel and thank God Honey Bunny had the decency and where with all to realize that I was very depressed and sleep deprived and he forgave me. When I came out of the postpartum funk and began my life as the Mom of little honey bunny my heart began to heal. But just like the grinch when it put itself back together it felt about three sizes bigger. The heart's capacity for love is endless. Besides the blood pumping thing that is it's job. To house your love. Don't you think you can take just a little bit of that capacity for yourself? It will make more. I promise.
Why is this you ask? You don't ask? Well I do. I have been thinking about this so much lately. I have spent the last few weeks losing some weight. I have had some minor success. I seem to be on a roll and have found the thing that is working for me. I have lost 10.5 pounds and 10 inches in five weeks. I will share with you what I am doing at a later time because I simply don't want to jinx it. I can tell you that it is a formal weight loss program and there are several elements that seem to provide me with the motivation to keep going. The statement that has kicked off this storm of thoughts and emotions is this though - "Sarah, you need to find a non food reward. A way to make yourself feel loved and safe without calories."
HOLY SHIT NO I CAN'T BECAUSE THAT IS NOT WHAT I DO. I don't know how to feel safe without a bag of chips and I certainly don't know how to feel love without a brownie chaser. Comfort and security is best served with a nice cold Sauvignon Blanc. Peace and happiness for me is found at the nearest bakery or Cold Stone Creamery. To treat oneself means to take oneself out to eat.
So after I panicked, I made an appointment at the newest Spa on the block for a lovely facial. As I was laying under the warm blanket waiting for my absolutely beautiful master esthetician to make me gorgeous I was wondering if I really needed this. Actually what I thought was do I really deserve this. Can I afford to take the time and money and get a rub down and an exfoliation for one hour. Have I earned the right to feel better about myself and feel pretty. Well of course I have you might say and I might say laughing the whole silliness off. But what I really uncovered was - no I don't. It's hard. It is really hard to say - I deserve an hour of pampering because I have worked hard this week. I have earned the right to take some time for myself because I could use a break. While I am writing this I am at a public wine and coffee house and there is a man working next to me drinking a glass of wine. In the middle of the day...bet he doesn't feel guilty at all. Doesn't even think it's a treat - he just wanted a nice cold glass of white wine so he ordered it and is drinking it. Oh to be so free with the self loving.
I have been wrestling with so many emotions lately since I am no longer eating them away but this guilt and shame thing keeps coming to the surface.
Little honey bunny has been struggling lately in the social game - particularly in our neighborhood. He is not being picked on but he is one of the younger ones and the older kids are just pulling a I am too cool for school trip and aren't allowing him to play in any reindeer games. Of course this pisses me off and it annoys me but I also know it is normal boy stuff and a part of growing up. I have even caught him doing it to other young kids. So I have been trying to strike a balance when I talk to him about it. Yesterday afternoon he came home crying because he just wanted to play a football game and the other kids didn't so Honey Bunny was talking to him about how he was being treated. One of the things he said was that little honey bunny should remember this feeling and not make anyone else feel this way. Good lesson right? If you feel this bad when this happens to you - don't ever make anyone else feel that bad - even if they are not your best friend. I feel that some of this comes down to simple human decency. Treat others the way you want to be treated. I also say - don't give the other kids the opportunity to see that they got to you and know that Honey Bunny and Runner Girl are always there as a safe place to land. We do this for our children because we love them. Why don't we do this for ourselves? Why can't we provide our own squishy puffy landing pad? Why do we try to teach our children simple human decency when we can't even give it to ourselves? I will tell you why - it's because it is learned behavior. It is not something that is a part of our physical fiber. It is something that is taught and practiced and thought about - just like trying to parent and teach little honey bunny the golden rule. If you have not put this into your daily life most of your life - you don't have the skills. Loving yourself is a skill. It is something to be nurtured and practiced. It does not come easily if you are starting this later in life. In fact it can seem downright silly and useless and even embarrassing. I know most women do not want to come across as over confident or arrogant or egotistical. I ask you - who cares? Surely if you can run a household, raise your children, train for races, manage a marriage, hold down a full time job, give back to your family, practice a faith, walk your dogs, take care of your house, nurture your familial relationships, get your mammograms and pap smears then surely you can take less than five minutes a day to look in the mirror naked and actually appreciate what you see. Take even less than that - say sixty seconds - and look deeply into your own eyes every day and see what is in there. See the pain, the stress, the beauty, the strength, the love. See the love you have for everything around you but see the love you have for yourself. It takes love to get you where you want to be. Do you want to know how I know this? Well I'm gonna tell you. When I gave birth to little honey bunny I just about died from love. I know we all love our children and this is not a statement that is meant to cause some spitting contest on who loves their child more. No, it is a statement of fact that for me, I had never known such love. I love Honey Bunny like no other man. I was content to love him for the rest of my life and not give it to any other until little honey bunny came into my life. I can weep about this moment even still now as I am typing because it is so clear in my mind. Over nine years ago when he came out (via emergency c-section), they immediately brought him up to my side of the curtain and the layed his cheek on mine. My entire world view shifted. My heart shattered into a million pieces. Due to complications, little honey bunny struggled the first few weeks of his life and due to the massive drop in hormones and being in cold dark New York with no family or friends, my heart stayed in fragments for several months. At one point, I told Honey Bunny that I no longer loved him and could only have room in my heart for one person and little honey bunny was it. Yes this was cruel and thank God Honey Bunny had the decency and where with all to realize that I was very depressed and sleep deprived and he forgave me. When I came out of the postpartum funk and began my life as the Mom of little honey bunny my heart began to heal. But just like the grinch when it put itself back together it felt about three sizes bigger. The heart's capacity for love is endless. Besides the blood pumping thing that is it's job. To house your love. Don't you think you can take just a little bit of that capacity for yourself? It will make more. I promise.
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