I have been reading this book called One Day by David Nicholls. I love this book. For one thing the style in which it is written in lends a bit of mystery and suspense to an otherwise somewhat predictable story. The other reason I like it so much is because it takes place starting in 1986. I graduated from high school in 1986 so I truly can appreciate some of the social references. There is a quote from the book that has resonated with me in the last few weeks. "The trick of it, she told herself, is to be courageous and bold and make a difference. Not change the world exactly, just the bit around you. Go out there with your double-first, your passion and your new Smith Corona electric typewriter and work hard at...something. Change lives through art maybe. Write beautifully. Cherish your friends, stay true to your principles, live passionately and fully and well. Experience new things. Love and be loved if at all possible. Eat sensibly. Stuff like that."
So here I am, with my sort of not so new Mac laptop, hanging out at my in-laws in south western Virginia, sharing some of my passion. I have been thinking a lot this summer about my state of happiness or lack there of. I usually don't enjoy summer. Little honey bunny is out of school and we do not send him to too many camps. 1)because he really doesn't like them and 2) because they are crazy expensive and we chose this year to have a really great vacation at the end of summer. So while I am totally crazy about little honey bunny, he makes me totally crazy by the end of the summer like most other parents. We have way too much togetherness and I have way too little alone time. Tack on a business that is now up and running successfully which allows me to work from home (yeah) and my own marathon training and then throw in the slight problem that this is Honey Bunny's busiest time and we usually don't see him until middle August and he has is own training - well - I could use a drink!!!
So I don't blog in the summer at all. I just don't have the time and by the end of summer, I day dream all day long about what I would actually say if given the five minutes to think and clear my head.
Instead of vomiting all of what has been rattling inside my head, I'll just give you a piece. For some of my friends, the ship has truly hit the sand. Their marriages and lives seem to be falling apart. Of course, this makes me really sad but what I really have noticed while I observe the wreckage around me is that most people seem to be walking around in a constant state of grim reaper mode. Have you ever been to a party of event and gotten a hold of someone who is just so negative? I mean, really you would think that the sun is not going to come up tomorrow if you hang around these people much longer. We all know this person or even collective persons. You are picturing them right now. So think about this...did you ever think that the grim reaper might be you? Do you ever stop to think that you are the person sucking all of the air out of the room or your friendships, or your marriage? I think I might have been. One tiny event over the phone the other day kick started this line of thinking for me. A friend who is going through a nasty situation with her marriage said to me that now that the desire for divorce is out in the open, she feels no compunction whatsoever to save it and feels suddenly lighter and freer and is feeling very positive about her new life that is about to happen. My natural reaction was kind of a bitter - well goodie-goodie for you, but deep down I just wanted to ask her why can't you feel like this in your current life? I am seeing this right now in three different marriages. They just are ready to move on and dump the crap that they see as holding them back and suffocating them and move on to something new and exciting.
Naturally, I see this as an opportunity to examine my own life and my own marriage and how I see the world. I look to see how I can not be so judgemental but supportive. How do I help my friends even when I think they are full of crap and just plain wrong. I can't really be happy for my friends because I find this very sad and disappointing and (I know the world does not revolve around me and I know this is EXTREMELY selfish) I am really just totally bummed that I feel like I am losing my friends because I am not sure how to navigate these particular waters. The most surprising thing that came out of this was first, this urgent need to blog again, and second, my own grim reaper behavior. I too, suddenly and surprisingly, like my friend, felt free. Free and unburdened and suddenly...happy. When you are mired down in the crap of life, and I know there is a ton of crap... Mortgages, children, hubbies, in-laws, aging parents, politics, wars, social nuances, feeling alone, weight loss, disease prevention and fighting, job loss, blah blah blah...or you are mired down in someone else'sthings do not make you happy. You are the only one that can do that. But here is the kicker that most people do not acknowledge. You have to do the work to make yourself happy. Everyone has the right to be happy but more importantly, everyone is not given the automatic happy gene. You have the right and the ability and the responsibility to do the work that it takes to be happy. Your husband deserves it, your children deserve it and by golly - you deserve it. You just might find that it keeps those grim reapers at bay, inside and out.
