On the verge of wrecking the car!!!

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!  Have you ever kept track of your calories?  I mean actually written down every morsel of food and calculated how much you have ingested?  Did you know that it doesn't take much to eat tons of food?  For instance, today I am starving.  I have been hungry all day long.  I don't know why.  I went on a puny run of three miles and have not been doing anything else all day.  But for whatever reason I have been keeping track of all of my calories, honestly everything. So truly, if it went in my mouth I put it on paper.  So I get to 4:00 PM and decide I would add up so that I could see how many calories I have left for dinner.  And you know what?  I have already eaten 1720 calories.  ONE THOUSAND SEVEN HUNDRED AND TWENTY!!!!  I thought, maybe a thousand.  Holy Crap.  

Honey Bunny gave me a challenge last night.  He said if I lost 30 pounds by his marathon I could have a shopping spree and he would fund it.  Now this may seem shallow for some but for me...I love clothes and I LOVE shopping.  I have not been shopping in some time and I have certainly not enjoyed shopping in years.  Once you get past size 12, shopping is a giant pain in the ass.  It's not really a question of "does this make me look fat", it's more a question of "does this not make me look like such a huge fat ass?"  Harsh, yes, but true.  So this marathon is in three months.  That's 10 pounds a month for three months in a row.  This means that during my marathon training and during my actual marathon I have to lose a tremendous amount of weight.  Now honey bunny runs marathons and he knows how hard it is to control your eating when you are in the end stages of preparing for a race.  You really can't control your eating and you can't control your appetite.  You are literally hungry all the time.  So why you say, must honey bunny be so cruel?  I honestly don't think he thought about it.  Probably because he knew I would think it to death.  And I have.  TO the DEATH!!!  Coming up with a million excuses as to why this is going to be impossible.  I also know that when I get to my goal weight, no matter if it is 2022, Honey Bunny is going to give me his wallet.  So today I thought I would just write down what I was eating and try to calculate it.  Knowing I need to stay somewhere between 1500 and 1800 calories I figured I would be somewhere in there.  Especially since knowing I was going to write it down hopefully I would control myself.  So this is what I have eaten today.

One half of an organic raw bar, a vivano orange, mango, banana smoothie from Starbucks, a handful of inchi seeds, one quarter of a wedge of cantaloupe, egg salad on a small roll, a large serving of fruit salad, some tostitos with homemade guacamole, one slice of bread with nutella, and a small bag of veggie chips. That is 1720 calories.  So technically I have 80 calories left for dinner and I have to run 14 miles tomorrow.  So that is a given that I will eat more than 1800 calories, possibly more than 2000.  I need to balance out the right amount of fuel and health and calories in order to have an efficient run tomorrow.  

In the past I probably would have just ordered a big fat pizza and some wings and not given it another thought.  Oh, I will just try again tomorrow.  But tomorrow is Saturday and then there is the rest of the weekend and I have to run.  So that puts it starting on Monday.  Why not today?  If I eat a healthy, dinner worth about 350 to 400 calories, that means that I eat somewhere around 2100 calories.  Minus the three mile run from this morning, that puts me at roughly 1800 calories.  So perhaps the damage isn't too bad.  Perhaps, I can salvage this day and not put my work in the toilet.  Perhaps, my self destructive thoughts occur when I think I have done something and I am right on the bubble.  Who really knows.  I feel like I am close to figuring it all out.