Do you know that moment when you panic? You know. That exact moment when your world seems to narrow into tunnel vision and you start to sweat, salivate, your heart beats a little harder. Sometimes sounds are muffled and your stomach does a little flip. I know this moment well. Turns out, I have this moment on a daily basis. I thought it just happened occasionally. The most notable panic attack I had was the six weeks leading up to my decision to bag Chicago. I couldn't sleep. I ate all the time. I cried all the time. I would run for three hours and they would be the WORST training runs of my life, and then I would go home and cry. And cry. And cry some more. I was mad at everybody. I would snap at little honey bunny and I would simultaneously scream at Honey Bunny and then want a huge hug because I couldn't tell if everything was his fault or my fault. I was...a mess. A complete and utter black pit of need and anxiety. So I made the decision to not run Chicago. I thought that this was what I needed to take back control of my life. I needed to let go of something that I perceived to be causing me great pain. I thought that Chicago was it. Turns out, I made a huge mistake. What I needed to take control of was my training. What I needed to take control of was my decision making and my emotional health. I needed to look out for myself and stop looking out for everyone else. I can assure you I have learned my lesson. I have learned my lesson about making huge decisions in the moment of panic. I have learned my lesson about giving up things for other people. Because I am sitting here in Virginia today instead of going to the Chicago Marathon Expo. I am sitting here waiting to run the Richmond Marathon instead of being trained and ready to run in Deena Kastor's footsteps on Sunday. I am going to run 18 miles in the rain and 75 degree heat tomorrow instead of running on Sunday in perfect, and I mean perfect running weather.
So this is a great example of what happens to me when big things go a little crazy and I panic. But you know what I realized through this process of reflection and regret? That I have these moments almost daily, sometimes several times a day. Do you know when I have them? Right before I eat. When I have to make a choice about what to put in my stomach. Is it going to be a salad or a sandwich. Is it going to be carrot sticks or chips. Is it going to be water or a diet coke. Happens all the time.
Honey Bunny and I have great friends. We were talking about two of them the other night. They have a situation going on their house that is universal with all human beings and that is how to care best for their offspring. We all want what's best for our children and we all want to think that we are handling every situation the best we possibly can. But sometimes, we have to make the truly difficult decisions. And we panic. We are so emotionally wrapped up in our dilemma that we cannot always see the big picture or even the right path and so we make the best decisions possible at that given moment. It is only after that moment has passed that we see sometimes our decision is wrong. Like Chicago for me. I think that it takes more courage to admit that some decisions are not great ones. That we should, rather than live in the vast pit of regret, we try our best to reverse our previous stance, learn from it, moved forward and try to recognize it the next time it comes knocking on your door.
Honey Bunny pointed out that many struggles occur again and again because we haven't had much success to build on. I am looking for some success today. Just today. We'll wait and see what happens tomorrow.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
I killed the Mouse...Again
So I am having trouble with my running mojo lately. Which apparently is affecting all of the rest of my mojo. My weight loss mojo, my working mojo, my Mommy mojo, my honey bunny mojo. All of it. So is the lesson for me that if my running mojo ain't happy, no mojo is happy?
So this is what is going on. Honey Bunny says that I take a problem and I am like a cat with it. Have you ever seen a cat with a mouse? How they take it and carry it in their mouths and then play with it in the grass and then carry it some place else (usually your living room floor) and then they bat it around a little while longer until the mouse actually dies from a heart attack and fright (totally true) and then the cat rolls around on it and smothers it and it appears that they are loving on it but in reality they are preparing to eat some of it and then leave some guts for you? Well that is what I do with a problem. Particularly with a problem that has to do with other women and the wrongs of the world!! Or really the wrongs I have perceived to be done to me. Is that a woman thing or is that just some huge personality flaw in me? And then why do I let it affect every other area and watch everything fall like a house of cards?
This is what I do know absolutely - marathoning and marathon training is a HUGE emotional gamble. I know that it is physically demanding but emotionally for me, there has never been a tougher challenge than training and completing a marathon. There are many training runs when you get to a point where you tell yourself, this is not worth it. I cannot do this. I am really slow and therefore worthless. I cannot do this. I will never finish. I cannot do this. This is a TERRIBLE thing to think about yourself, considering that when you are training for a marathon you are doing something that 93% of the world's population cannot do and have not done. Another consideration is that half of that population probably would give anything to be in your Asics. So it is very important to give yourself every emotional advantage that you can in order to dismiss those irritating messages that come up. These advantages usually come in the form of pep talks and positive reinforcements. Either from yourself, your friends, your coaches, your parents, your running partners, any one that you can get it from. The key is to believe it. Take that in for a second. Deep Breath. Hold. Breathe out. BELIEVE the MESSAGES. Got it? O.K. So, back to all about me and my problems. What do you do when you have someone that is messing with your mojo? Someone close to you that is probably oblivious to the mojo messin' and most likely would be really offended if they knew they were doing the messin'. Honey Bunny would say TELL THEM and tell them to CUT IT OUT. Of course I am not going to do that because - two things. I am a woman and women suck at that. Also, I don't want to mess with their mojo. So this leaves me with the only option which is to...wait for it...
Take responsibility for my own actions and my own marathon.
OMG Did I just say that? Really? Shit, Shit, SHIT, I hate that. As bad as I am at confrontation, I am even worse at taking responsiblity. Let me take a stab at this. If I want to finish a marathon in a certain time. I need to do many things. I need to put in the miles. I need to hydrate. I need to nourish my body with fuel, not Five Guys. I need to rest and sleep. I need to stretch. I could probably stand to lose a few pounds but that is not the most important thing. I need to spend some time mentally preparing for every long training run. I can do all of those things. What I don't need is to wonder what everyone else is doing. I also don't need to wonder and plan and prepare and bustle about making everyone else happy. I only need to make sure that Honey Bunny gets his runs in and also make sure that some one is watching little honey bunny.
Did you hear that Honey Bunny? I am bringing back the buzz....the running buzz that is. Thanks for letting me kill the mouse one last time. I am happy to report though, it is dead and I am laying the intestines at your door step!!!!
So this is what is going on. Honey Bunny says that I take a problem and I am like a cat with it. Have you ever seen a cat with a mouse? How they take it and carry it in their mouths and then play with it in the grass and then carry it some place else (usually your living room floor) and then they bat it around a little while longer until the mouse actually dies from a heart attack and fright (totally true) and then the cat rolls around on it and smothers it and it appears that they are loving on it but in reality they are preparing to eat some of it and then leave some guts for you? Well that is what I do with a problem. Particularly with a problem that has to do with other women and the wrongs of the world!! Or really the wrongs I have perceived to be done to me. Is that a woman thing or is that just some huge personality flaw in me? And then why do I let it affect every other area and watch everything fall like a house of cards?
This is what I do know absolutely - marathoning and marathon training is a HUGE emotional gamble. I know that it is physically demanding but emotionally for me, there has never been a tougher challenge than training and completing a marathon. There are many training runs when you get to a point where you tell yourself, this is not worth it. I cannot do this. I am really slow and therefore worthless. I cannot do this. I will never finish. I cannot do this. This is a TERRIBLE thing to think about yourself, considering that when you are training for a marathon you are doing something that 93% of the world's population cannot do and have not done. Another consideration is that half of that population probably would give anything to be in your Asics. So it is very important to give yourself every emotional advantage that you can in order to dismiss those irritating messages that come up. These advantages usually come in the form of pep talks and positive reinforcements. Either from yourself, your friends, your coaches, your parents, your running partners, any one that you can get it from. The key is to believe it. Take that in for a second. Deep Breath. Hold. Breathe out. BELIEVE the MESSAGES. Got it? O.K. So, back to all about me and my problems. What do you do when you have someone that is messing with your mojo? Someone close to you that is probably oblivious to the mojo messin' and most likely would be really offended if they knew they were doing the messin'. Honey Bunny would say TELL THEM and tell them to CUT IT OUT. Of course I am not going to do that because - two things. I am a woman and women suck at that. Also, I don't want to mess with their mojo. So this leaves me with the only option which is to...wait for it...
Take responsibility for my own actions and my own marathon.
OMG Did I just say that? Really? Shit, Shit, SHIT, I hate that. As bad as I am at confrontation, I am even worse at taking responsiblity. Let me take a stab at this. If I want to finish a marathon in a certain time. I need to do many things. I need to put in the miles. I need to hydrate. I need to nourish my body with fuel, not Five Guys. I need to rest and sleep. I need to stretch. I could probably stand to lose a few pounds but that is not the most important thing. I need to spend some time mentally preparing for every long training run. I can do all of those things. What I don't need is to wonder what everyone else is doing. I also don't need to wonder and plan and prepare and bustle about making everyone else happy. I only need to make sure that Honey Bunny gets his runs in and also make sure that some one is watching little honey bunny.
Did you hear that Honey Bunny? I am bringing back the buzz....the running buzz that is. Thanks for letting me kill the mouse one last time. I am happy to report though, it is dead and I am laying the intestines at your door step!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)