Do you know that moment when you panic? You know. That exact moment when your world seems to narrow into tunnel vision and you start to sweat, salivate, your heart beats a little harder. Sometimes sounds are muffled and your stomach does a little flip. I know this moment well. Turns out, I have this moment on a daily basis. I thought it just happened occasionally. The most notable panic attack I had was the six weeks leading up to my decision to bag Chicago. I couldn't sleep. I ate all the time. I cried all the time. I would run for three hours and they would be the WORST training runs of my life, and then I would go home and cry. And cry. And cry some more. I was mad at everybody. I would snap at little honey bunny and I would simultaneously scream at Honey Bunny and then want a huge hug because I couldn't tell if everything was his fault or my fault. I was...a mess. A complete and utter black pit of need and anxiety. So I made the decision to not run Chicago. I thought that this was what I needed to take back control of my life. I needed to let go of something that I perceived to be causing me great pain. I thought that Chicago was it. Turns out, I made a huge mistake. What I needed to take control of was my training. What I needed to take control of was my decision making and my emotional health. I needed to look out for myself and stop looking out for everyone else. I can assure you I have learned my lesson. I have learned my lesson about making huge decisions in the moment of panic. I have learned my lesson about giving up things for other people. Because I am sitting here in Virginia today instead of going to the Chicago Marathon Expo. I am sitting here waiting to run the Richmond Marathon instead of being trained and ready to run in Deena Kastor's footsteps on Sunday. I am going to run 18 miles in the rain and 75 degree heat tomorrow instead of running on Sunday in perfect, and I mean perfect running weather.
So this is a great example of what happens to me when big things go a little crazy and I panic. But you know what I realized through this process of reflection and regret? That I have these moments almost daily, sometimes several times a day. Do you know when I have them? Right before I eat. When I have to make a choice about what to put in my stomach. Is it going to be a salad or a sandwich. Is it going to be carrot sticks or chips. Is it going to be water or a diet coke. Happens all the time.
Honey Bunny and I have great friends. We were talking about two of them the other night. They have a situation going on their house that is universal with all human beings and that is how to care best for their offspring. We all want what's best for our children and we all want to think that we are handling every situation the best we possibly can. But sometimes, we have to make the truly difficult decisions. And we panic. We are so emotionally wrapped up in our dilemma that we cannot always see the big picture or even the right path and so we make the best decisions possible at that given moment. It is only after that moment has passed that we see sometimes our decision is wrong. Like Chicago for me. I think that it takes more courage to admit that some decisions are not great ones. That we should, rather than live in the vast pit of regret, we try our best to reverse our previous stance, learn from it, moved forward and try to recognize it the next time it comes knocking on your door.
Honey Bunny pointed out that many struggles occur again and again because we haven't had much success to build on. I am looking for some success today. Just today. We'll wait and see what happens tomorrow.
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