The One About the Dog with a Bone

I had to have a heart to heart with Honey Bunny this weekend.  It wasn't pretty.  It was almost intervention level.  Not him - for me.  I was kind of driving him crazy and he needed to tell me that.  Have you ever had to be in a position where you have to tell the person you love most that you are making them crazy?  It's not pleasant but I must say that it opened up a different level of intimacy that we had been missing lately.  Just the fact that Honey Bunny was brave enough to tell me to shut the hell up about something and that I was woman enough to take it - even thanking him for the help and support, was really great for us.  And, as it turns out, hold onto your thighs for this one, he was right.  Once again, I was using my usual level of anxiety and skills at worrying about something to avoid doing something else.  Deflecting?  Is that the right mental health term?  I don't know, but Honey Bunny's term is "You are rolling this around in your head like a dog with a bone and you need to cut it out!"  Works for me.
So the issue which was my bone was of a very personal nature with a friend so I won't go into it but what I will go into was what I was ignoring.  I was ignoring my marathon training (running a marathon in six weeks), and I was also ignoring the fact that I had a cracked tooth and didn't want to go to the dentist.  Turns out that I needed a root canal so that coupled with my extreme dental phobia, caused me to top my anxiety with some extreme freaking out.  I also had committed with some friends to Weight Watchers and instead of getting excited about that - I was bumming out that my relationship with food was about to turn into a tomato soup and jello problem because my tooth was sore.  I also was having a very stressful problem at work and it was literally bringing me to my knees with worry and anger.  So there you have it.  Oh and did I mention that I quit drinking for awhile? I really needed to detox my liver from our Key West trip so I thought it would be helpful if I stopped drinking between now and my marathon.
So after the heart to heart, I decided that I needed to pull myself together a little bit.  So I went to the dentist and it only mildly sucked - not as bad as I thought but I still haven't had the full procedure - just a mild draining and shaving of the nerve endings (barf) and I should have the rest of it done this week.  But at least I am prepared for the pain and have the requisite number of Advil, ice packs backed up with some narcotics to get me through.  I went to Weight Watchers with my friends and although my tooth situation has delayed my progress, I am not giving up and I found the meeting surprisingly awesome and my friends did too and they seem motivated.  I also went for a run.  Finally.  Honey Bunny's advice to me as a husband and a marathoner and also a coach was that I needed to build some running consistency back into my schedule and I needed to do it immediately.  So I did.  I have run two days this week, not long but hard and I did it.  I struggled mildly to get out the door this morning but I managed to make it happen.  And the sun was out today - first time in days.  So I stretched my legs, got some vitamin D, released some Dopamine and overall, embraced the rest of my day.
Rolling things around can be good and useful.  To think about a problem and dissect it and prioritize it and to come up with a solution is good and productive.  But, this process should take place on a run.  It should happen when you can clear your mind and get those good vibes and hormones going.  It should not happen when you have the kids running around and the phone ringing and the TV on and a little honey bunny who was just marching around the house with the "That was easy" button hitting his knee at regular and highly annoying intervals.  Even with my ipod on, a run is where I get it done.
Is the message here that I should not have such high maintenance friends?  Is the message that I should not let things bother me so much?  Is the message I need medication?  I hope not the latter because I have been on medication for such things before and I must say - didn't really like the side effects.  Which is how I started running.  When I first started running, I was dealing with fertility issues.  When I started running marathons, not only did I realize that I was never going to have another baby - even by extreme measures, but that I was a 39 year old in full on menopause,  I made the decision to get through it by running.  Not by medication.  I stand by my decision to this day.  My first marathon saved my life.  It saved me from a life of depression and it probably saved my marriage.  I worked out so many things on those runs.  It started as a way for me to run away from my pain but what happened was that I ran through my pain.  I came out on the other side victorious.  Not that some days aren't hard and that I still have my moments of missing my never to be second child and that I still feel too young to not be menstruating but I am good.  Even with the hot flashes.

The One About The Honey Badger

I love January.  The possibility of new things.  Of resolutions.  Of starting over.  Of doing things differently. A whole year awaits you and what you can accomplish in those 365 days.  Or in 2012's case, 366 days.  I started this year with a bang.  A big bang.  I did a Ragnar Relay.  12 of us crazies ran from Miami to Key West.  It. Was. Awesome.  One of the best things I have ever done, not because it was hard (which it was) or challenging (which it was) but because it was the most fun I have ever had related to a running event.  Ever.  Bar None.  Hands Down.  Frickin' Incredible!!!!

So with that, I return from paradise totally stoked and tan and then, what do I do?  Think about how I want to do things differently.  My resolutions begin mid January - how odd is that?  When everyone else is either furiously working on their resolutions (i.e. can't get a parking spot at the gym) or they have already given up and want you to join them on their descent back into whatever it is, I am just giving thought to what it is I want to do.  Well I can tell you about my resolution.  Because Ragnar was a bubble. We were in a bubble for 32 hours in two vans.  Then I was in an awesome bubble in Key West where we ate and snorkeled and swam and drank and ate and drank some more.  Then I came home.  And Honey Bunny went back to work (sad for him) and little honey bunny went to school (also sad for him) and the house was quiet and empty (yeah for me).  So I slept and did laundry and cleaned out my smelly fridge and realized that I had a marathon to train for (March) and a business to run and my life to get back in order.
I had to run a crazy leg in downtown Miami.  I mean scary crazy.  It was 9:30 at night and I had 9 miles to go.  I passed a giant (dead thank God) rat, a boy on a bike that tried to run me over, two pit bulls, a couple of chickens, and then I had to go on a deliverance type road where the vans could not follow me.  This road had craters filled with some odd fluid that I don't think was water because it had not rained in Miami in a few weeks, the canal was on my right and I don't know what the hell was on my left.  At one point a guy ran by me and asked me did I see the giant bloody mattress back there.  So I turned up my music (because I don't like to hear it coming) and was relieved that I had taken enough Imodium to prevent me from shitting myself to death and kept running.  True honey badger moment.  I went into that house of bees.  Then when I got off of that road I came out at a maximum security prison.  O.K.  So I kept going again.  Then finally in the midst of fog descending, I saw my team at the exchange.  That run addressed almost every phobia I have ever had about running.  And I did it.
So that is my resolution.  Be the honey badger.  Because why the hell not?  Cross fit?  Sure.  Weight Watchers? Why the hell not.  Chicago Marathon?  Signing up.  No Worries. Turning Vegan? Hell Yeah! Try something new.  Go on an adventure.  Be scared but trust yourself.
For years,  I have allowed other people to make me second guess myself.  To feel bad or insecure or embarrassed, or odd for doing things that I am doing.  I know that I have written about this before.  But I realize now more than ever that it is almost always about them.  It is not about you and if you let other people make you feel bad about things that are important to you then it is really just a problem that they have with themselves.  Will they judge me?  Will they like me?  Will they still be my friend?  Who the hell gives a shit?  Honey Badger don't!!!!

So if you are out there and you have something that sounds fun or hard or odd or even crazy, you should call me.  If you need a friend or a running coach or some help with your crazy goals, you should call me or at the very least, embrace your own inner honey badger.  Don't get me wrong now, I actually cried on that deliverance road.  For like a nano second, I couldn't believe that I had gotten my ass into this situation.  I was tired, scared, hungry and unsure of whether or not I would ever see my family again.  But I did.  Some things I try don't turn out so well.  Some people don't like me.  Some people don't agree with my politics, my running philosophy, my passion for really good margaritas, my ever evolving attempt and becoming a full on vegan and telling everyone I know about animal suffering.  Don't care this year.  In 2012, I figure that there will be plenty of houses of bees.  So I'm going in.