The One About Enough is Enough

Well, as I suspected, I was not happy at all with the trail run.  In fact, I kind of hated it.  I was bummed because I did run with my bestie, Suki who as she promised, stayed attached to my bum the whole time.  And I was in the back by a lot.  I finished dead last which is not really a huge problem for me but it never really does anything to boost my ego.  In fact, if I really searched inwardly and really admitted to myself the yucky feeling I get when I know I am last, it just sucks.  I actually hate it.  I spend so much time telling everyone that I coach that there is no shame in finishing last.  I didn't really feel shame as much as just bummed and a little pissed.  Someone has to be last but why is it me - much of the time?
So what was it truly about the race?  Was it the rocks and leaves and roots - yes - looking at the dirt for an hour was not fun.  I couldn't spend any time looking around and enjoying the nature because I had to look at where I was going.  I also hated the uneven ground that caused my pinched meniscus and IT band to scream at me on several occasions. The most surprising thing was how much I didn't like the downhill.  I couldn't use the downhill to my benefit because I was actually scared of falling down.  I think that trail running is supposed to go slower than regular running but I guess that is a big part of it because I really don't want to work on something again that I am already epically slow at.  I just want to work on my marathon time.  Sure enough - the next day I ran 14 miles on the road and was soooooo much happier.  But I tried it and I had a nice long talk with Honey Bunny about it and he totally understood and wasn't mad and it's all good now.
One of the things that came out of the many talks that Honey Bunny and I have had over the last few days was that I have to be enough for me.  He said "You have to be enough for You."  We were talking about my family.  I can't possibly be the only person who links their family with insecurites.  Isn't that where it all begins?   As mentioned before in other posts, my family is not necessarily dysfunctional but we are a little fucked up in the relationship department.  I can definitely say that my parents love me.  I can definitely say that we have a pretty good relationship.  I can definitely say that my brother and I are not close and that is my parent's fault.  I also can say that I am not close with my family and that is my fault.  I am very different from the rest of my family.  Imagine being in a familial environment and not fitting in.  Whether it be politics or religion or social beliefs or ethical dilemmas or musical tastes or what to read or what to wear.  Or how you simply see the world and how you want to be seen in the world.  Just fundamentally a freak from your family.  From your parents, your sibling,  and all of their social support systems.  Imagine what happens when you constantly get the message that you are not quite right or you are not understood or you are somewhat of an enigma.  We all want to fit in.  We all want friends and we all want love and support.  I think I spent a huge amount of time trying to fit in with the people that I think should have just accepted me no matter what.  When I did finally truly rebel as an adult and moved in with Honey Bunny prior to a legal marital commitment, they kicked me out of the family.  So 18 years later, even though I have tried to really let that go, and forgive and just try to enjoy my family, resentment creeps into the crevices...especially at Christmas time.  I actually feel that I shouldn't have to spend time with my family on the day - I would rather spend it with good, close friends who have always loved and supported me.  They make me happy.  My family on the holidays drains me.  In order for me to be enough for me, I need to spend time with the ones that fulfill me, lift me up, make me laugh until I pee, give me mental hugs, will run trails with me, hold my hand, listen to me.  I am enough for them.
There is this child at little honey bunny's school and I think of him often and his parents.  He is obvious different.  And I mean different.  I believe that child, while born a male probably wishes he was born a girl.  He wears girls clothing to school and likes to hang out with the girls.  He has been this way since kindergarten and now he is in the 5th grade.  I believe his parents are struggling to find a balance between allowing this child to express himself and to keep it a little close to the vest because I am 100% sure that he is bullied and picked on.  I really hope that if he survives public school that he will grow to be someone that will change America and how we think.  I hope that he is strong enough to be whatever and whoever he wants and I hope he finds someone to love him enough.  I hope that his parents continue to have the strength to travel down what must seem like a black hole at times holding his hand and having his back the entire trip.  I hope that he is enough for him.

The One About Sure Footing

This Saturday I am running my very first trail run.  It is called the Froze Toes 4 miler and I am terrified.  Now, of course it is not the distance that makes me nervous, it is the fact that I will be running on uneven ground with roots and leaves and mud and steep hills.  I asked Honey Bunny yesterday how he thought I would do and he said it probably won't be my fastest run because I am just not comfortable with things where I don't have sure footing.  Um...well...duh!!!!
You see, I am pretty much a shuffler and a plodder.  I just shuffle along at what I like to call Sarey pace.  It works for me, I just keep going and trying to tell myself all along the way that I will get there at my own pace.  So the idea of using side steps and my hip flexors to pick up my feet and my eyes to look to avoid tripping is just numbingly painful to even consider.  So why am I doing this you ask?  Because I watched two trail runs change two people's lives this year.  My running partner Suki ran her first trail half and it was transcendental.  Honey Bunny ran his first full trail marathon and I couldn't believe how happy he was - and I mean RIGHT after his race.  No pain and he wasn't tired and he said he could keep going.  AFTER 26.2 MILES!  Who says that????  But I have resisted.  I have flat out said that I would NEVER run a trail race and I really meant it.  It's not for me I said.  I am a road girl - a city runner.  Not a nature lover, the trees, the roots, the dirt - Holy Crap that's just...YUCK!!!!!
I have realized though since I started running that you must put yourself out there for different things.  Just because you have accomplished the marathon doesn't mean that there aren't new things to try and go for and attempt.  The only way to know for sure is to try it.
I say that about so many things.  Nope - can't do it, it's just not me.  That counting calorie thing?  Nah.  That high protein diet - just can't do it.  That job - no, they will never take me.  Why would I put myself out there for that.

I have realized that much of this stems from low self esteem.  Now this is a phrase that really has been used so much and nobody really wants to talk about self esteem.  You either have it or you don't.  I think it is so funny to talk about it in the sense of levels.  It is low or high.  Does anyone have medium self esteem issues?  Shouldn't the doctor ask to take some blood so we can test your self esteem levels and see where they are?  But I am just going to say it and mean it.  I have low self esteem.  I don't think myself worthy of things.  And people.  And jobs.  And my life.  I don't think I can try new things.  I know I am good at some things.  I am a freaking fantastic running coach.  It is my calling...seriously.  I am also a really good cook.  I would like to think I am a good Mom but lately I have been struggling with that.  I also would like to think I am a good wife but also of late, I really find myself doubting that because I seem to be going through so much right now that Honey Bunny has been taking a mental beating.  I am a good writer and it brings me joy but I don't give it the attention it deserves because I am spending so much time figuring out what is going on with me.  And working out.  And trying a new diet.  Spinning my wheels seems to be the order of the day lately.  Is it the holidays?  Is it the time of year?  Is it menopause?  Is it my self esteem issue?
I think I will go run this race tomorrow and see.  I think some of these answers lie in the roots and leaves and mud.  I think I will be really proud of myself tomorrow.  I don't think it will be quite as life changing as it has been for other people but it might be a new start.  Or it might just confirm my suspicions about trail running.  But either way, it is going to be a beautiful day and I get to run with Honey Bunny and Suki and I get to face my fears and get four miles in.
My sure footing lies at home with Honey Bunny and little honey bunny.  They are it for me.  As long as I am sure with them - a few roots might just be good for me.  I'll let you know.