The One About Enough is Enough

Well, as I suspected, I was not happy at all with the trail run.  In fact, I kind of hated it.  I was bummed because I did run with my bestie, Suki who as she promised, stayed attached to my bum the whole time.  And I was in the back by a lot.  I finished dead last which is not really a huge problem for me but it never really does anything to boost my ego.  In fact, if I really searched inwardly and really admitted to myself the yucky feeling I get when I know I am last, it just sucks.  I actually hate it.  I spend so much time telling everyone that I coach that there is no shame in finishing last.  I didn't really feel shame as much as just bummed and a little pissed.  Someone has to be last but why is it me - much of the time?
So what was it truly about the race?  Was it the rocks and leaves and roots - yes - looking at the dirt for an hour was not fun.  I couldn't spend any time looking around and enjoying the nature because I had to look at where I was going.  I also hated the uneven ground that caused my pinched meniscus and IT band to scream at me on several occasions. The most surprising thing was how much I didn't like the downhill.  I couldn't use the downhill to my benefit because I was actually scared of falling down.  I think that trail running is supposed to go slower than regular running but I guess that is a big part of it because I really don't want to work on something again that I am already epically slow at.  I just want to work on my marathon time.  Sure enough - the next day I ran 14 miles on the road and was soooooo much happier.  But I tried it and I had a nice long talk with Honey Bunny about it and he totally understood and wasn't mad and it's all good now.
One of the things that came out of the many talks that Honey Bunny and I have had over the last few days was that I have to be enough for me.  He said "You have to be enough for You."  We were talking about my family.  I can't possibly be the only person who links their family with insecurites.  Isn't that where it all begins?   As mentioned before in other posts, my family is not necessarily dysfunctional but we are a little fucked up in the relationship department.  I can definitely say that my parents love me.  I can definitely say that we have a pretty good relationship.  I can definitely say that my brother and I are not close and that is my parent's fault.  I also can say that I am not close with my family and that is my fault.  I am very different from the rest of my family.  Imagine being in a familial environment and not fitting in.  Whether it be politics or religion or social beliefs or ethical dilemmas or musical tastes or what to read or what to wear.  Or how you simply see the world and how you want to be seen in the world.  Just fundamentally a freak from your family.  From your parents, your sibling,  and all of their social support systems.  Imagine what happens when you constantly get the message that you are not quite right or you are not understood or you are somewhat of an enigma.  We all want to fit in.  We all want friends and we all want love and support.  I think I spent a huge amount of time trying to fit in with the people that I think should have just accepted me no matter what.  When I did finally truly rebel as an adult and moved in with Honey Bunny prior to a legal marital commitment, they kicked me out of the family.  So 18 years later, even though I have tried to really let that go, and forgive and just try to enjoy my family, resentment creeps into the crevices...especially at Christmas time.  I actually feel that I shouldn't have to spend time with my family on the day - I would rather spend it with good, close friends who have always loved and supported me.  They make me happy.  My family on the holidays drains me.  In order for me to be enough for me, I need to spend time with the ones that fulfill me, lift me up, make me laugh until I pee, give me mental hugs, will run trails with me, hold my hand, listen to me.  I am enough for them.
There is this child at little honey bunny's school and I think of him often and his parents.  He is obvious different.  And I mean different.  I believe that child, while born a male probably wishes he was born a girl.  He wears girls clothing to school and likes to hang out with the girls.  He has been this way since kindergarten and now he is in the 5th grade.  I believe his parents are struggling to find a balance between allowing this child to express himself and to keep it a little close to the vest because I am 100% sure that he is bullied and picked on.  I really hope that if he survives public school that he will grow to be someone that will change America and how we think.  I hope that he is strong enough to be whatever and whoever he wants and I hope he finds someone to love him enough.  I hope that his parents continue to have the strength to travel down what must seem like a black hole at times holding his hand and having his back the entire trip.  I hope that he is enough for him.