The One About Sure Footing

This Saturday I am running my very first trail run.  It is called the Froze Toes 4 miler and I am terrified.  Now, of course it is not the distance that makes me nervous, it is the fact that I will be running on uneven ground with roots and leaves and mud and steep hills.  I asked Honey Bunny yesterday how he thought I would do and he said it probably won't be my fastest run because I am just not comfortable with things where I don't have sure footing.  Um...well...duh!!!!
You see, I am pretty much a shuffler and a plodder.  I just shuffle along at what I like to call Sarey pace.  It works for me, I just keep going and trying to tell myself all along the way that I will get there at my own pace.  So the idea of using side steps and my hip flexors to pick up my feet and my eyes to look to avoid tripping is just numbingly painful to even consider.  So why am I doing this you ask?  Because I watched two trail runs change two people's lives this year.  My running partner Suki ran her first trail half and it was transcendental.  Honey Bunny ran his first full trail marathon and I couldn't believe how happy he was - and I mean RIGHT after his race.  No pain and he wasn't tired and he said he could keep going.  AFTER 26.2 MILES!  Who says that????  But I have resisted.  I have flat out said that I would NEVER run a trail race and I really meant it.  It's not for me I said.  I am a road girl - a city runner.  Not a nature lover, the trees, the roots, the dirt - Holy Crap that's just...YUCK!!!!!
I have realized though since I started running that you must put yourself out there for different things.  Just because you have accomplished the marathon doesn't mean that there aren't new things to try and go for and attempt.  The only way to know for sure is to try it.
I say that about so many things.  Nope - can't do it, it's just not me.  That counting calorie thing?  Nah.  That high protein diet - just can't do it.  That job - no, they will never take me.  Why would I put myself out there for that.

I have realized that much of this stems from low self esteem.  Now this is a phrase that really has been used so much and nobody really wants to talk about self esteem.  You either have it or you don't.  I think it is so funny to talk about it in the sense of levels.  It is low or high.  Does anyone have medium self esteem issues?  Shouldn't the doctor ask to take some blood so we can test your self esteem levels and see where they are?  But I am just going to say it and mean it.  I have low self esteem.  I don't think myself worthy of things.  And people.  And jobs.  And my life.  I don't think I can try new things.  I know I am good at some things.  I am a freaking fantastic running coach.  It is my calling...seriously.  I am also a really good cook.  I would like to think I am a good Mom but lately I have been struggling with that.  I also would like to think I am a good wife but also of late, I really find myself doubting that because I seem to be going through so much right now that Honey Bunny has been taking a mental beating.  I am a good writer and it brings me joy but I don't give it the attention it deserves because I am spending so much time figuring out what is going on with me.  And working out.  And trying a new diet.  Spinning my wheels seems to be the order of the day lately.  Is it the holidays?  Is it the time of year?  Is it menopause?  Is it my self esteem issue?
I think I will go run this race tomorrow and see.  I think some of these answers lie in the roots and leaves and mud.  I think I will be really proud of myself tomorrow.  I don't think it will be quite as life changing as it has been for other people but it might be a new start.  Or it might just confirm my suspicions about trail running.  But either way, it is going to be a beautiful day and I get to run with Honey Bunny and Suki and I get to face my fears and get four miles in.
My sure footing lies at home with Honey Bunny and little honey bunny.  They are it for me.  As long as I am sure with them - a few roots might just be good for me.  I'll let you know.