D Day

Hello from the Chilly State of Virginia,

BRRRRRRR it is cold here.  What does the cold make you think of?  It makes me think of fires, blankets, cashmere socks, chili, bourbon, red wine, beef stew, crusty french bread with butter, mashed potatoes, pie, macaroni and cheese.  O.K. I know there are more food examples than anything - can you tell I am on a diet?

So January 15th rolled around before I knew it.  I ran the Disney Marathon on Sunday and spent the next few days recovering, resting and eating.  I didn't work out.  I celebrated with food and wine and I woke up on January 15th, feeling like crap.  I thought I was giving my body what it needed but really I was trying to give my mind what I thought I deserved and had earned.  Instead of resting, stretching, going for walks, and eating nutritious foods and drinking water I did the opposite - trying to get in the last few days of debauchery before D Day.  Don't we all do that?  Order the pizza and go get the tub of ice cream because that is the last time I will have that?  You know our bodies go into a similar starvation mode when we drastically cut calories.  Our metabolism shuts down when it gets the message that it is about to be starved.  All of the fat that is hanging out on our thighs starts screaming feed me because I am the calorie monster.  What little calories we get go straight to the monsters and they eat them like little Pac Men.  That means that we don't actually lose any weight, we just hold onto whatever we have.  So it is ironic that most of us go on some sort of binge before we diet because our minds turn into those little monsters and scream - better eat that entire cheesecake tonight because it is off limits after that.  

This leads me to the beginning of my plan.  When I looked at Diets - and I have looked at all of them, I was looking for something that was doable for the long term.  Something that would allow me the ability to cheat every now and then.  It was then that I realized a plan was not going to allow me to cheat.  I needed to look not at a plan, but to look at my own way of living and eating.  A lifetime commitment of healthy eating is what is called for here - not a plan that I follow for two months and then when I am done - where do I go from here.  What I need is to find the proper amount of calories that I can eat in order to maintain my desired weight.  And then from there I need to figure out of those calories, which are going to be junk and which are going to be quality.  I have definitely found a connection between quality food and nutrition and training.  My runs are superior after a week of salads, salmon, fruits and oatmeal - no question.  I think this is the main reason I am not going the Weight Watchers route.  I tend to use the majority of my points on crap rather than lettuce and turkey.  I also don't think that Weight Watchers is most compatible with my training.  Nothing against WW.  I support their vision and what they have done for millions of people is amazing but I don't think it will be the plan for me.  

I do like the idea of eating foods that are organic and I really like eating foods that pack a nutritional wallop.  I love learning about new foods such as the Acai berry, flax seed, and I am recently a huge Wheat Grass convert.  I really enjoy going to a local farm and picking my own blueberries or heading down to the farmer's market and picking up organic eggs that are still warm.  I love reading about how food is manufactured and processed.  This is for another day but I have visited a chicken processing plant and I am here to tell you - it AIN'T PRETTY!!!!!!

So I realized after all of this thought that food is not my problem.  Well actually it is my problem.  Too much food.  Too much of the wrong food.  I understand the connection of health and nutrition.  Of nurturing myself with healthy, bountiful food.  That great food equals great nutrition equals great health and fitness.  The problem and difficulty with this is of course time. Who has time to shop fresh every day and prepare food on a daily basis.  No one has that much time.  We all have jobs, lives, kids, husbands, friends, things, that get in the way of a healthy lifestyle.  

So that gets into the next part of my plan which is planning the plan.  I used to have this incredibly annoying boss that used to say to me plan your work and work your plan.  Yeah I am rolling my eyes too - but there is some truth and usefulness to this.  My plan involves looking at nutritional information, looking at calorie counts, writing stuff down, weighing stuff, knowing what I am eating at any given moment and cooking at home for the most part.  I can find out how many calories are in my Starbucks Latte but I won't know exactly what is in my sushi when I go out.  Therefore, lots of home cooking for me.  Fortunately I love to cook but it does get old day after day.  I frequently find myself at 5:30 freaking out because I have nothing planned and I still have not gotten all of my work done.  I have called Honey Bunny many nights begging for him to pick up dinner.  

So here is my commitment for D Day.  This is how my plan will be laid out at first.  These changes are the ones that I am implementing in the first month.  

1) I will be eating between 1600 and 1800 calories a day.

2) I will write everything down.

3) I will add up all of my caloric totals every day.

4) I am only weighing once a week - on Thursday mornings.

5) I am eating three meals and at least two snacks every day.

6) I am cutting my alcohol consumption by at least 50%.

7) I am largely following the "Clean Eating Plan" developed by Tosca Reno.

8) I am going to spend a large amount of time delving into my bad habits and why I do them over and over again.

The last one is the hardest.  Anyone can follow a plan but doing the hard work to look into why you eat in the first place is a big deal.  For me - three o'clock in the afternoon is difficult for me. I can start eating at three and continue until my son comes home from school which is around four.  I can eat for one solid hour in front of the TV.  I am usually unwinding from the day or stressing about what I have not gotten done and my son is coming home and I will need to spend time with him and then dinner needs to be ready and then Honey Bunny is coming home and then I can start drinking and then my kitchen is a mess and the laundry is not done and then I have to get in the bed and - deep breath - then it has to start all over again.  

So today - I fixed myself a cup of steaming hot green tea and sat down in front of my laptop and started writing.  It is now after four and the need to eat has passed - the day will still be there tomorrow with more laundry and dishes.  But for today I was triumphant.  I ate well.  I exercised well.  I worked well.  What more could one ask for in a 24 hour period?

Wishing you all love in vegetables!!!!!!!

Sarah

 

It was the best of taper. It was the worst of taper.

Good Morning,

I love taper madness.  I hate taper madness.  That lovely time before a race when you cannot work out or run and you have to eat more salt and carbs.  One should embrace this however, it can be cruel and unusual punishment for some of us.  Me actually.  After having six months of running buzzes and feeling amazing in my being I can't break a sweat.  After six months of fueling nutrition and eating everything that is good for me - now I must eat whole grain pasta and V-8 juice.  Still somewhat nutritious but it makes me feel like a puffer fish.  On top of all of that my extreme race anxiety has kicked in and I have no outlet to get over it.  Other than yelling at Honey Bunny.  Luckily for me he is also a marathoner and he gets it. 

I had my first marathon running dream last night.  I was running and running and running.  Which is what you do in a marathon.  No I wasn't doing it naked but I do remember my feet shuffling and it was really hot.  So I wake up this morning thinking I have missed me marathon - slept right through it.  Can you imagine?  Missing something you have trained six months for, lost time with your family for, lost your toenails for.  Just because you couldn't haul your ass out of bed on time.  These are the things that are keeping me up right now.  Oh the madness...oh the absurdity.  

I was meeting with my wonderful neighbors earlier this week and our discussion started a thought process that has taken me a few days to work through and it has got me thinking about a few things.  This group started meeting a few years ago to kick off a weight loss, healthy eating, dieting, losing weight, getting fit and becoming overall healthier superstars.  Of course we have had some successes and some failures but what I realized is that we kicked off 2009 all with the same goals.  We also kicked off 2009 at the same starting place as 2008.  Wondering where the year had gone and why were we still having trouble getting our pants buttoned.  

Oprah has also kicked in her new year with the same resolution and asking herself the same questions.  How did I get here again?  I think she may have the answer but I don't think it is in the team of experts she regularly surrounds herself with.  I think as women we do not know how to love ourselves enough to give ourselves the gift of health.  We could argue that potato chips just taste better.  And they do.  We could argue that there is not enough time in the day to get our work done, have time with our families, clean our house, etc...and there isn't.  We could argue that there isn't enough money to pay for the tres expensive produce we need to sustain our bodies or the nice gym that gives us a great workout option...and there sometimes isn't.  But these are really just excuses.  Really they are.  You can yell at me all you want.  You can call me all the names you want.  I am right.  How do I know I am right?  Because those excuses are all just the tip of iceberg of my list.  I saw a quote on another blog a few days ago and I can't remember the whole thing but it made reference to at the end of your life you will either have a bunch of successes or a list of excuses why you didn't accomplish them.  

For me, I have made finally the connection between the last piece of the puzzle and my total success at being healthy.  The exercise for me is no problem.  I workout more than most of my friends and family.  I spend more time pounding the pavement and lifting weights than most women my age.  I am still not at a healthy weight.  The last piece of the puzzle for me is the eating.  As a certified running coach and as a runner myself, I have spoken to many many people about not exercising and the dangers of not giving this gift to yourself.  I have posted in a previous blog about making my son go to the gym with me because it is the difference between and nice mommy and a mean one.  I have overcome the whole issue of time management and training.  Not many things get in the way of my run or workout.  

The problem for me is that I let everything get in the way of my diet.  I got issues, yeah we all do but this time I feel a sense of empowerment because I finally realized the whole connection.  Eating right is another gift to give myself.  My parents used to tell me that as a child I just needed too much love.  While some of you may be sad right now - I have dealt with all of this and moved on.  The only reason I bring it up is because I always looked to my Honey Bunny and my son to fill that void I didn't get from my parents.  I grew up looking to get it from my friends which is why I ate when I wasn't with them.  Now I have a good relationship with my parents, I have a wonderful partner for life and the most wonderful son a mother could ask for.  I just never learned how to stop eating.  What I know this time is a healthy life is the best form of love.  I can give myself the love that I have always needed and wanted by living the cleanest, healthiest life possible.  If I can give myself this  - my husband and son won't have quite the burden of loving me so much.  They can love themselves.  This is a gift I can give my child that I didn't get but most importantly it is the gift I can give myself.  I will never find the answers or the support or the love at the bottom of a potato chip bag although God knows I have looked for it there.  I have found all of those things at the finish line though.  Food for thought??!!!

So today I eat - and I don't workout.  But I am kinder to myself than before and I am really looking forward to January 15th.  This is D -Day for me.  This will give me plenty of time to recover from the Marathon and shop for me new diet which I will unveil next week.  

I beg the question today.  Do you love yourself enough to do the work?  If you don't love yourself at this weight, or fitness level, or place in your life than isn't it worth the effort to look into changing it?  I am pretty sure I know the answer.

Happy Running,

Sarah

Get Your Ass Up That Hill

Hello,

So I was just laughing hysterically with Honey Bunny over a few not-so-fond memories of my fitness adventures.  Some of these have been outright disasters.  I am very pleased to report however that there have been more successes than failures.  The failures though are downright duds - and unfortunately for me and the people around me at the time they were somewhat public.  

When I was growing up I didn't exercise at all.  I was on the local swim team and actually did quite well until most of the kids signed up for a year round league.  That left me totally unable to compete with them when summer rolled around again.  I tried tennis and wasn't really that good although I loved the clothes and the sound of the shoes screeching against the court and the noise that was made as the racket hit the ball.  Didn't keep me on the court though.  I also tried golf which - I am shuddering over this - landed me in such hot water with my father that I never played it again.  I was 11 and going through very very early puberty - I had already had my period for a year at that point - and was very awkward and had no coordination.  I hope all of the golfers will forgive me for this but golf is not a sport.  It does not take some super athletic ability to play this game.  What it does take though is practice and coordination and a huge dose of patience.  I had none of these.  So my dad who is an avid golfer forks the big bucks over so I will play.  I took a summer of miserable lessons with boys and at the end of the summer we had a mini tournament.  During this tournament I was playing so poorly but one hole stands out above all the rest.  I swung at the ball on the tee about 12 times and missed each time.  I threw the club and started crying.  I am sure your heart is going out to me but read on.  My father comes up to the tee and says to me in front of everyone.  If you can't learn how to behave on the course you cannot play.  So I didn't.  Ever again.  Boy I showed him.

I tried track.  Loved it again for the uniforms.  I really just wanted to be part of a team and my friends were doing it.  I tried the hurdles.  I scraped my knee so badly hitting every hurdle that I still have a scar.  I had one race and then I retired.  

When I was growing up we didn't have gyms.  Not like today.  There wasn't really a family oriented place where everyone went to workout.  My parents didn't work out.  They had golf and tennis and that was about it.  Those were the days of aerobics.  I vaguely remember doing "The 20-minute Workout" which was on TV.  Does anyone remember that?  It had two or three women working out with leotards and head bands and leg warmers.  Full makeup and Farrah hair.  They would have these camera shots that were between their legs and on their butts.  It was really more like porn come to think of it.  But I did the workout in my basement.  I also had a short bout of Kathy Smith type workouts but never Jane Fonda.  Skipped that whole rage.  I didn't do anything in college and even though I was skinny I looked kind of ill.  

I started a job where I had a good friend that worked out all the time.  She had an awesome body.  I mean really, one you would kill for.  Small ass, huge boobs, muscular but long legs.  Bitch.

Anyway, I was able to be the bigger person and look past all of her amazing physical endowments and see her for the wonderful person she was.  She took me to the gym.  My first gym.  I hit the StairMaster and never looked back - at least for a while.  I loved that thing.  Too bad as we have all learned it makes your butt big.  Whatever, at least I was sweating.  I was single and the place was a meat market.  I tried step aerobics but one class was all it took for me to swear that off forever.  Way too much coordination needed.  So I lifted a few weights and learned to do a few crunches and had a good time.  But eventually I stopped going because it got too hard to workout and get in all my smoking and drinking.  

SO I meet Honey Bunny and I get fat.  We don't really care about this and my lack of physical activity did not get in our way until we decided to go back packing one weekend with some friends.  Honey Bunny was just reminding me of how we went to Blue Ridge Mountain Sports to get some stuff for the trip and I was all excited about buying the crap to get ready.  Are you sensing a theme here?  So we get ready and we drive to the mountain and we park our car, strap on the backpack and I admire my brand new hiking boots and off we go.  For about four minutes.  Literally we get to the base of the mountain which has a very very SLIGHT incline and I am huffing and puffing.  So I quit.  I decide sleeping in the car would be a better option.  Honey Bunny waves our friends on.  "We'll meet you at the top!"  He says.  HAH.  I developed a pattern on the climb.  I would walk for about three minutes.  Cry for two.  Yell at Honey Bunny for six and then want to vomit for one.  The walking interval became shorter the more we climbed.  They yelling interval became longer.  I can only imagine that this was pure hell for Honey Bunny because it was so awful for me.  We get to the spot where we are camping and then they all inform me that we have to go to the top of this godforsaken mountain to catch the view.  What the fuck?  Who gives a shit about the view.  This time at least we had no packs but the climb was literally (at least in my mind) vertical.  And I mean straight the hell up.  Rocky and steep.  More torture for Honey Bunny.  We were not even married at this point so the fact that we just celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary means something to me.  We get to the top where our friends have been waiting for us and I was so pissed at myself and everyone around me for making this look easy and fun and I was so completely embarrassed that I walked to the edge of the mountain (no I didn't throw myself off - duh) that I turned right around and started climbing back down.  I really wanted to die.  So what did I do?  I got to the campsite and lit up a cigarette.  WOW!!!!!!  

When we got back from that Honey Bunny and I decided we had to join a gym.  More torture?  Why not.  We joined this little gym down the street and I went shopping.  The theme again.  New shoes, new shorts, new shirts.  Sweet.  The night before we went I remember looking out of my window from my way cool apartment in Charlottesville - back story - I lived in the pink warehouse where Dave Matthews played his first concert.  Oh yeah - I am that cool.

O.K. so I am looking out of the window and I am crying.  I am crying because I have for the very first time realized that I was fat.  I was living the life of my Mom and it had all caught up to me and losing the weight was not going to be nearly as much fun as gaining it.  It took me three days of fits and breakdowns to make it to my first workout.  Getting to that gym was very very similar to getting up that mountain.  

But then something changed.  Honey Bunny and I decided six months after we got married to quit smoking.  Cold Turkey.  We also decided that we were going to get to the gym at 5:00 AM every morning before work.  And we did it.  We quit smoking - haven't had one in 12 and 1/2 years. That was the first time I ever ran. I ran on the treadmill.  That first run the day after I stopped smoking was the worst run I have ever had.  And I only ran about 2 of 30 minutes.  The rest I walked.  But I got better.  Not really faster but I got to the point that I could run 4 miles on the treadmill.  SUCCESS.

We move to New York.  We are lonely.  We join a gym.  We go for awhile. We drink way too much.  Every night.  I get pregnant.  Now believe it or not I was actually banned from working out.  So I didn't.  Not until we moved back to Va.  

We joined a gym and I went with my little honey bunny who hated it but I made him go.  I always told him it was the difference between me being a nice mommy and a mean mommy.  So he went.  

It wasn't until that fateful January Day when "L" and I stepped out with our brand new running shoes that I started my running career.  I was hooked.  I sucked and I wasn't fast but running was like heroin for me.  I wanted to do other races.  I wanted to be able to run three miles without stopping.  I wanted to break my 13 minute mile record.  I wanted to wear the shorts without chafing.  I wanted to be like those people.  Those people that ran in just a running bra and shorts.  I looked at them as if they were gods and goddesses.  I just wanted to be in the same room as them.  Then Honey Bunny decided he was going to run the marathon.  Which he did in 2005.  Being a marathon widow totally sucks but I love him more than that and I really wanted this for him.  I was able to see him three times on the course.  I feel a welling up coming on but the last time was at the finish line.  When I saw him coming down the hill I was so overwhelmingly proud of him.  I could not believe that he had just done that.  It was so awesome.  But then I had to hang around a bunch of people who were marathoners.  I was intimidated but they were the nicest people ever.  I couldn't believe they were all marathoners.  They really didn't look it.  The 10K was not going to be enough for me.  Honey Bunny was the first person to say it and then my friend "Ethel" said it.  Could it be?  Could I do it?  NAH.  

But then I did.  I injured myself, I lost six toenails, I had chafes so bad that I still have the scars.  I cried more during the six months of training then I ever have before.  I wanted to quit, I threatened to quit, I tried to quit.  But I didn't.  I didn't quit.  For the first time in my life I didn't quit.  I had numerous chances and I didn't give in.  Running a marathon is the hardest physical and mental thing I have ever done.  SUCCESS.  

Finishing the marathon on November 10, 2007 (two days after my 40th birthday and the day of my son's birthday) single-handedly erased all of my previous failures.  Honey Bunny gave me the best advice.  He said - leave it all out on the road.  I did.  

Happy Running,

Sarah

Make a New Plan Stan

Howdy,

Last night I was talking on the phone with one of my best friends ever "L".  She asked me how was I going to lose the weight.  Do I have a plan?  Well of course I have a plan.  I have had a plan for the last 8 years.  My issue is not what is my plan - but putting that plan into place. I remember Oprah saying something like "It's not about the weight - it is what the weight represents.  And if you are not willing to do the work you will not be successful." Now before I go knocking Oprah - let me just say that while I feel for her being in the situation she is again- Oprah has actually had more weight loss success than I have.  She also ran a four and one half hour marathon.  So no bustin on my girl 'cause as far as I am concerned she has done what I have not.  So here is my diet history - it is shorter than some and longer than others but I will go over it anyway, more for my sake than yours.

My first diet was Weight Watchers.  Good ole, trustworthy, always reliable and completely proven Weight Watchers.  I really think this is a great organization.  They have three things going for them.  Accountability, Journaling and Motivation.  Their point system is just a fancy way of counting calories.  You still have to measure, you still have to weigh and you still have to count.  It just doesn't seem as daunting or as mundane.  And 25 points sounds much better than 1300 calories.  But you are still eating just 1300 calories. If you like going to the meetings and hearing every one's weekly story and struggles and victories and this motivates you to do a better job then by all means go.  Have a sit and a listen.  For me I hated it.  I found that every week everyone was talking about the same thing.  I did like the meeting leader - she was pretty and spunky and skinny and I wanted to be her.  But it was not enough to keep me there.  So I tried their brand new (at the time) online system.  This worked really well for me and I lost my first significant amount of weight - about 24 pounds.  I kept it off until I became pregnant.  All bets were off after pregnancy.  This brings me to my second diet while I was pregnant.  As I mentioned previously I had gestational diabetes.  And I had it bad.  I like to say I had a double helping of diabetes because I was immediately put on a very restrictive diet and insulin.  I gave myself shots in the stomach and the fingers all day long.  I carried a timer around my neck that went off every ninety minutes so I would remember to eat.  Now when I say restrictive, it was only restrictive in the carb sense.  I actually had to eat around 2400 calories every day.  I actually mean Had to.  Once you go on insulin if you don't eat properly there is that coma problem or blackout issue that will creep up on you.  No good.  So I ate and ate and ate all day long.  I would eat EXACTLY what the dietitian told me to eat.  My snack would be 1/2 an apple and three cheese crackers.  For lunch I would often count out 14 goldfish with my sandwich. I had a food scale and various measuring cups and spoons.  I didn't write a thing down but every morsel that entered my mouth was a precise carb and calorie count.  I didn't gain anything during the last three months of my pregnancy.  Only my baby grew.  I have never before or ever sense stuck to a diet as religiously as that one.  I was scared and my motherly instincts took over.  Isn't it a shame that I can do that for my son and I can't do it for myself?  Wait for it - I see the light bulb going off....Isn't this the biggest issue of all for most women......OMG this will totally be an entry later.

O.K. back to the diet history.  So I have my baby and he has some health issues when he is born (ironically these had nothing to do with my health but of course being the Mom I took on all of the guilt).  So I was stressed and I had a sick new born and then he was healthy and I was relieved and then I brought him home and then he cried.  He screamed and screamed for five months.  Honey Bunny and I were living in New York alone.  We knew no one and nobody cared that we were ignorant parents with no family to help us.  This would be my third diet.  This was the wine and breastfeeding diet.  This diet was the most successful of my dieting career.  I actually lost all of my baby weight in six months.  Before everyone calls the CPS after me - I was very,very careful about pumping and nursing and drinking.  I was very efficient at getting it all done right.  If only I had applied those calculations to my calories I would have been much healthier.  As it was  I didn't and I wasn't.  

A year later we move back to Virginia - thank God.  Family and friends surrounded us.  We were back in the South.  I wasn't pregnant, my son was sleeping through the night - sort of.  And I got fat again.  What the hell is that horrible connection between fat and happy?   UGGGGGHHHHH.  Actually I stopped breast feeding was the big problem.  But I still had my wine.  So I toyed with about 8 to 10 other diets.  This was really the big era of the protein diets so I tried them all.  Bought the book.  Bought the food.  Did the diet.  For about a day.  Really.  Each diet was about a day.  So I thought to myself, self...you should try a really big financial commitment and order your food in a box through the mail and eat that.  So I did.  For about two weeks.  Let me just say that I really find food in a box that is not refrigerated particularly revolting.  What the hell is in that stuff?  Yuck yuck yuck,YUCK!!  I shouldn't be such a snob but one of the wonderful qualities that I have is that I am actually a very good cook.  You can ask most people - they like my cooking.  And I love to cook.  I love to cook for my family and my friends and I do it to show them love and I feel loved when they love my cooking.  So I know this line is also screaming at you - don't think I don't know that this is an issue.  Probably to be addressed again at a later time.  

After that I started exercising and just gave up on the diet.  I actually used exercising as a way to avoid dieting.  I thought I could get away with tons of working out and not eating salads.  It kind of worked.  I stayed off anti depressants and felt good in my skin and I felt fit and healthy.  Which is really a killer shot for your self esteem.  I think every woman and man out there and then tack on the kids should have exercise added to their daily routine.  If you are feeling better about yourself you are going to spend less time screaming at your kids, spouse, friends, employees, people on the street, etc.  Truly - can almost guarantee it.  

So I didn't lose any weight but I didn't gain much either.  Just stayed the same.  Until I started trying to have another baby.  When it didn't happen after two years and tons of drugs I started eating to kill the pain of failure.  I knew it was my fault and I knew it was the weight and I just couldn't lose it.  This turned out to not be the case at all.  I was actually in early menopause and there wasn't a doctor out there that would diagnose me properly.  SO as I watched my chances of growing my family disappear I was devastated.  I actually ran the Marathon to deal with my fertility or lack there of.  It helped and I did lose about 12 pounds but I was really doing everything I was supposed to be doing while training.  I ate right and drank tons of water and didn't drink a lot of wine and I went to bed early.  Let me just say that even though I wasn't at my ideal weight I had the best sleep and sex of my entire life during this period.  I was in total awe of my body and what I was accomplishing and the look of my body did change which Honey Bunny liked and I liked.  Honey Bunny is so sweet he likes me anyway but the important thing was how I felt and how I felt I looked.  It doesn't matter if you weigh 200 pounds - if you just ran 18 friggin miles no matter how slow - you are a total bad ass.  This could be TMI for some of you but honestly - what woman doesn't want better sleep or better sex? Or you guys ? 

Gotcha there.  Have I made my diet plan for the next four years?  Of course...is it new or different?  Does it include a magic pill?  Is my plan a diabolical one to get you hooked on my blog and then promise to help you lose those annoying 20 pounds?  No not so much.  It is not new.  I am in the process of designing it using all of the knowledge from my previous diets as well as the advice and information from friends who have successfully lost weight and kept it off.  I am running, on January 11, the Disney Marathon so when I return that next week I will be kicking my new plan into high gear and I will let you know every step of the way what and how I am doing.  The formula that I am looking for will be one that allows me to train and lose weight at the same time.  My pickle is that I can't really cut many calories when training but I do need to cut calories to lose weight.  My body will not lose weight at 2000 calories but I do have a hard time running long distances on 1300.  So somewhere in between is the answer.  Since my journey is in two parts - losing weight and running fast, tomorrow I will share with you my exercise history.  It is actually quite hilarious and not nearly so painful as my diet history.  Probably should be prepared for TMI again.  

Happy Running,

Sarah

I am making my son Sausage Biscuits for Breakfast

Good Morning.

Today I weigh 178.5.  Just thought I would get that out of the way.  Say it, write it, own it. The thing is this is not an unhappy number for me.  Would I like to weigh less?  Absolutely.  Have I weighed more?  You betcha.  I topped out at 197 about three years ago.  I probably weighed more - reaching that ubiquitous 200 mark or more but I stopped weighing.  All I remember is I couldn't fit in a size 16 anymore and had to go Lane Bryant.  I cried for three days.  I started training for the 10K at this weight.  I think I finished the race at this weight.  Trained for 10 weeks and didn't lose a pound.  Not an ounce.  I did however gain the beginning of what was some self confidence.  I remember running one mile, then two and so on and I couldn't believe I had done it.  I loved the feeling.  I didn't care how much I weighed.  I had just moved my body through space in a forward motion and it was awesome.  Hard but awesome.  So you see - you can run and run but sometimes, it ain't about the exercise - it is usually about the food.

Let's take a history of my situation.  A walk down information road for all of you that do not know me.  

I come from a long line of fat people.  I am not Greek or Italian or anything exciting like that.  Just plain old American.  Valley people is what you would call us.  Southern too.  No I did not grow up eating fat back and fried turds of any kind.  Nothing baked in bacon grease or any weird animal parts covered in egg and flour.  As luck would have it we all just eat too much and move too little and then there is that nasty little drinking problem that is pervasive on my father's side.  My mother has been overweight my entire life.  She battled diet after diet and had a small amount of success for a few years but after awhile she just gave up.  She recently had a hip replacement and now walks with a cane.  My father was actually quite active and thin most of my life but in his late 50's he has had a heart attack and two back surgeries that have left him unable to do most things he loves.  Oh and he drinks way too much bourbon.  My brother who is older than me is overweight and is on blood pressure medicine.  It is hard to believe but I am probably the smallest in my family and definitely the fittest.  

Growing up I was always thin.  Bone thin.  I never exercised and didn't join any reindeer games.  I ate whatever I wanted.  I had my first bout of emotional eating in my early teens and it continued through college.  I would come home from school alone and go downstairs to the basement and watch TV and eat an entire sleeve of saltine crackers.  I would then eat anything else I could find.  I was starving because I had eaten lunch at 10:30.  (Public schools have the most fucked up eating plan for kids).  I was also lonely.  School was a social outlet for me.  I hated coming home by myself.  I hated being by myself.  Most of my friends did after school activities and I did not.  This little slice of my life right here is the reason why I tell all parents to get your kids involved in things.  Those studies are totally right on.  If your kids are at home by themselves not doing anything - bad shit will happen.  

This was also about the time I learned to lie about food.  My mom was on one of her many diets and I had come home from school looking to binge and I ate a bag of frozen strawberries and a tub of cool whip.  Unbeknown st to me this was my Mom's one dessert.  She came home from work and realized that I had eaten them and we had a throw down of epic proportion.  I was grounded for days.  I never owned up to eating anything ever again.  For all of you that want to know - this leads to secret closet eating.  I really didn't do this much but I am actually just lucky and was too scared to let this kind of thing take control of me.  I knew one time when I ate an entire McDonald's meal and then threw away all the evidence to hide it from my husband I was going down a slippery slope.  I instantly confessed and then knew that I could not pull that one ever again.  Even now I get a little shiver of ick from that memory.  

So I go off to college and eat whatever I want.  I remember the cereal bar with Fruit Loops and Captain Crunch with particular fondness.  I did go to school in Alabama so we did have those nasty aforementioned things plus an endless supply of coke to wash it down with.  Fortunately I had a nasty smoking problem so I really didn't eat that much.  My worst habit was a thrice weekly drive thru visit at the local Wendy's which took checks.  Can you imagine?  These were the days before debit cards so checks at fast food?  How awesome is that?  I got out of college mostly unscathed but really unhealthy.  Again, due to my particular aversion to vomiting I was lucky and didn't adapt any totally gross habits and I happened to attend a very small college with wonderful girlfriends who seemed healthy and happy with their bodies.  At least on the outside they did.  It wasn't until I turned 25 or 26 that my lifestyle caught up with me.  I did have some issues with my menstrual cycle and was pretty much a train wreck health wise.  I had cysts in my breasts that sent me all the way to an oncologist.  I was really low on iron and my cholesterol was 250.  I weighed 92 pounds.  My friends at work would follow me to the bathroom because they swore I was puking after lunch.  Not true - again hate to vomit.  I don't know why I weighed almost nothing other than I had two jobs, no money, smoked three packs a day and drank like a fish.  Then I met my honey bunny.  Not that he is in any way at fault but we all know how this happens.  We meet someone, fall in love, eat in all the time, blah blah blah.  Anyway - I gained 60 pounds in one year. Yep - big number.  One would think I would have landed on the normal healthy side of 100 but no such luck.  I got married at 164 pounds.  I thought I looked beautiful - honey bunny thought I looked beautiful.  Would I have rather gotten married in a size six dress?  Well of course.  No shit.  

I travelled up and down the scale for the next five years and then I got pregnant.  Second try...nice work honey bunny.  I actually did o.k. in the beginning but then gained an extra 10 pounds in the second trimester for being so good in the first.  Then I got the diabetes.  Yes, too much sugar.  This sugar problem put me on insulin and a strict 2400 calorie diet.  Yes you read correctly, 2400 calories. That is a lot of calories!!!!  I ate that much and listen up - DID NOT GAIN A POUND IN THE THIRD TRIMESTER OF MY PREGNANCY!!!!!  How can this be?  Tomorrow we will delve more into this when I take you on a history trip of all my dieting.

SO, what have I done with all of the pounds since I had a baby.  I mean my baby is now 8 years old.  Can't use that tired old excuse.  

In that time I have learned some things that have been invaluable to me and I do believe that everything I have ever done has led me to this point.  It is really important to take the time to look at your history and your past and see what has gotten you here - the good, the bad and the totally disgusting.  Looking at it all with an honest heart and open mind can give you the tools to fix things.  What most people lack I think is the strength.  You may think that it takes a lot of strength to carry these things with you.  Actually, it takes much more strength to let them all go.  To forgive, move on, stop making it the mountain it is and stop feeding it the cancerous cells to make it fester.  Running many many slow miles gave me this wonderful clarity.  The problem still remains though - what am I going to do about it.  All of the thinking is wonderful and life fulfilling and yada yada yada.  In the end though - I got to get off my ass and do something.  Like eat less, eat more green things.  You know - do the work.  That is where my challenge lies.  This should be a very interesting year for me.

Happy Running,

Sarah 

I hate New Year's Resolutions

Hi there,

Since I am starting this on January 1st,  I am certain that most people will believe that this is some pie in the sky resolution - something crazy and impossible and probably what I blurted out in a moment of weakness.  Not true!  I actually blurted this out on a 12 mile run about three months ago.  I have spent the last few months gearing up for the process. 

So this is what I blurted out - I want to qualify for Boston in four years.  Why four?  Two reasons.  1)  In four years I will be 45 years old, thus giving me about 10 extra minutes.  I love the symmetry, four years, 45 years old, four hour qualifying time.

2) It will take me four years to train for this and do the work necessary to get there.

I realize that this sounds very ordinary and not very interesting to some people but let me explain why this is a very out of the ordinary dream.  I am what most runners would call an Athena Athlete.  Basically that means I am a fat runner.  I have big boobs and wide hips and a large arse.  I am short in stature and my legs are even shorter than that.  I am not athletically gifted in any particular area.  My V02 max is probably right now the best it will ever be.  I am not particularly young and I abused my body in my younger days with booze, smokes (all kinds) and no physical exercise of any type.  I have had a weight problem for about 15 years now which has interfered with my health, my fertility and my one pregnancy.  I have stress issues, anxiety problems and from time to time battle with depression.  At one time I sought some pharmacological help for these issues but they just really sucked the life out of me so I looked for something better.  Running was it.  I started training for my first race on January 29th, 2005. I ran my first mile in 14:48.  I ran the Monument Avenue 10K.  I finished in one hour and twenty nine minutes.  I actually ran most of it.  I ran it again the next year and a few other 10k's in between shaving off about 10 minutes.  In 2007 I believed that I could run the marathon.  Which I did.  I was last.  It took me almost 7 hours to complete 26.2 miles.  It was the happiest moment of my life.  I know deep down that I will never have a moment as blissful as that one.  And I have had many, many fine moments in my life.  

So you see what I have working against me but let's look at what I have going for me.  I have the most supportive husband in the world.  Todd believes in me and never has once blinked an eye or laughed uproariously or said no to me in the 16 years that we have been together.  He was the one that met me at mile 23 two years ago and told me I could finish when I really, really, REALLY wanted to quit.  He truly loves me unconditionally (and that is one helluva job) and he gives me the training time guilt free.  I also have a wonderful son who never gives me grief for running.  Instead he asks how far I go every time I run.  I have a great story about my son.  I ran the Marine Corps Historic Half Marathon Kids Run last year with him so my husband could run the race.  Dean (my son) had never run a two mile run but he has run a one mile race in under 12 minutes.  Like his father and me, Dean is not particularly fast, but he loves a medal like his folks so we encourage him to race.  Well on that day he busted out two 10 minutes miles which I have never done.  So I was huffing behind him and he got up to the finish line and stopped and came back for his Mom so we could finish together.  He was 7 years old at the time.  This is what I live with every single day. My two training partners, Tiffany and Sue, are my sisters.  Not biologically but in every other way.  They have seen the worst and the best of me and I really mean the worst. I would do anything for them.  I truly mean anything.  I also have wonderful friends.  Some of them run and some of them don't.  Some of them think I am crazy but many of them also give me more love than I deserve.  

Most importantly though I have myself to look to for inspiration.  It took me seven years to decide to change my life and run a marathon.  I have four years to lose 50 pounds and shave three hours off of my time.  I have this quote on a paperweight on my night table.  It begs the question "What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?" (Robert Shuller).  Seven years ago I said run a marathon.  I need a new answer.  This seems as possible to me as that answer did seven years ago.

So here I am on January 1st.  Yes, I do hate New Year's Resolutions but I do really love the spirit with which they are made.  Because, what if?  If not now, then when? Join me on my journey.  By the way, I haven't really enlisted any particular plan to start.  That will be part of the process.  I will let you know what works and what doesn't.  The one thing I can promise you is honesty.  When it comes to running, I am brutally truthful and I have no qualms about dishing the real stuff.  Enjoy, Share, Learn, Give, Take.  It's 2009.  2013 is just around the corner.  

Happy Running,

Sarah