Today I weigh 178.5. Just thought I would get that out of the way. Say it, write it, own it. The thing is this is not an unhappy number for me. Would I like to weigh less? Absolutely. Have I weighed more? You betcha. I topped out at 197 about three years ago. I probably weighed more - reaching that ubiquitous 200 mark or more but I stopped weighing. All I remember is I couldn't fit in a size 16 anymore and had to go Lane Bryant. I cried for three days. I started training for the 10K at this weight. I think I finished the race at this weight. Trained for 10 weeks and didn't lose a pound. Not an ounce. I did however gain the beginning of what was some self confidence. I remember running one mile, then two and so on and I couldn't believe I had done it. I loved the feeling. I didn't care how much I weighed. I had just moved my body through space in a forward motion and it was awesome. Hard but awesome. So you see - you can run and run but sometimes, it ain't about the exercise - it is usually about the food.
Let's take a history of my situation. A walk down information road for all of you that do not know me.
I come from a long line of fat people. I am not Greek or Italian or anything exciting like that. Just plain old American. Valley people is what you would call us. Southern too. No I did not grow up eating fat back and fried turds of any kind. Nothing baked in bacon grease or any weird animal parts covered in egg and flour. As luck would have it we all just eat too much and move too little and then there is that nasty little drinking problem that is pervasive on my father's side. My mother has been overweight my entire life. She battled diet after diet and had a small amount of success for a few years but after awhile she just gave up. She recently had a hip replacement and now walks with a cane. My father was actually quite active and thin most of my life but in his late 50's he has had a heart attack and two back surgeries that have left him unable to do most things he loves. Oh and he drinks way too much bourbon. My brother who is older than me is overweight and is on blood pressure medicine. It is hard to believe but I am probably the smallest in my family and definitely the fittest.
Growing up I was always thin. Bone thin. I never exercised and didn't join any reindeer games. I ate whatever I wanted. I had my first bout of emotional eating in my early teens and it continued through college. I would come home from school alone and go downstairs to the basement and watch TV and eat an entire sleeve of saltine crackers. I would then eat anything else I could find. I was starving because I had eaten lunch at 10:30. (Public schools have the most fucked up eating plan for kids). I was also lonely. School was a social outlet for me. I hated coming home by myself. I hated being by myself. Most of my friends did after school activities and I did not. This little slice of my life right here is the reason why I tell all parents to get your kids involved in things. Those studies are totally right on. If your kids are at home by themselves not doing anything - bad shit will happen.
This was also about the time I learned to lie about food. My mom was on one of her many diets and I had come home from school looking to binge and I ate a bag of frozen strawberries and a tub of cool whip. Unbeknown st to me this was my Mom's one dessert. She came home from work and realized that I had eaten them and we had a throw down of epic proportion. I was grounded for days. I never owned up to eating anything ever again. For all of you that want to know - this leads to secret closet eating. I really didn't do this much but I am actually just lucky and was too scared to let this kind of thing take control of me. I knew one time when I ate an entire McDonald's meal and then threw away all the evidence to hide it from my husband I was going down a slippery slope. I instantly confessed and then knew that I could not pull that one ever again. Even now I get a little shiver of ick from that memory.
So I go off to college and eat whatever I want. I remember the cereal bar with Fruit Loops and Captain Crunch with particular fondness. I did go to school in Alabama so we did have those nasty aforementioned things plus an endless supply of coke to wash it down with. Fortunately I had a nasty smoking problem so I really didn't eat that much. My worst habit was a thrice weekly drive thru visit at the local Wendy's which took checks. Can you imagine? These were the days before debit cards so checks at fast food? How awesome is that? I got out of college mostly unscathed but really unhealthy. Again, due to my particular aversion to vomiting I was lucky and didn't adapt any totally gross habits and I happened to attend a very small college with wonderful girlfriends who seemed healthy and happy with their bodies. At least on the outside they did. It wasn't until I turned 25 or 26 that my lifestyle caught up with me. I did have some issues with my menstrual cycle and was pretty much a train wreck health wise. I had cysts in my breasts that sent me all the way to an oncologist. I was really low on iron and my cholesterol was 250. I weighed 92 pounds. My friends at work would follow me to the bathroom because they swore I was puking after lunch. Not true - again hate to vomit. I don't know why I weighed almost nothing other than I had two jobs, no money, smoked three packs a day and drank like a fish. Then I met my honey bunny. Not that he is in any way at fault but we all know how this happens. We meet someone, fall in love, eat in all the time, blah blah blah. Anyway - I gained 60 pounds in one year. Yep - big number. One would think I would have landed on the normal healthy side of 100 but no such luck. I got married at 164 pounds. I thought I looked beautiful - honey bunny thought I looked beautiful. Would I have rather gotten married in a size six dress? Well of course. No shit.
I travelled up and down the scale for the next five years and then I got pregnant. Second try...nice work honey bunny. I actually did o.k. in the beginning but then gained an extra 10 pounds in the second trimester for being so good in the first. Then I got the diabetes. Yes, too much sugar. This sugar problem put me on insulin and a strict 2400 calorie diet. Yes you read correctly, 2400 calories. That is a lot of calories!!!! I ate that much and listen up - DID NOT GAIN A POUND IN THE THIRD TRIMESTER OF MY PREGNANCY!!!!! How can this be? Tomorrow we will delve more into this when I take you on a history trip of all my dieting.
SO, what have I done with all of the pounds since I had a baby. I mean my baby is now 8 years old. Can't use that tired old excuse.
In that time I have learned some things that have been invaluable to me and I do believe that everything I have ever done has led me to this point. It is really important to take the time to look at your history and your past and see what has gotten you here - the good, the bad and the totally disgusting. Looking at it all with an honest heart and open mind can give you the tools to fix things. What most people lack I think is the strength. You may think that it takes a lot of strength to carry these things with you. Actually, it takes much more strength to let them all go. To forgive, move on, stop making it the mountain it is and stop feeding it the cancerous cells to make it fester. Running many many slow miles gave me this wonderful clarity. The problem still remains though - what am I going to do about it. All of the thinking is wonderful and life fulfilling and yada yada yada. In the end though - I got to get off my ass and do something. Like eat less, eat more green things. You know - do the work. That is where my challenge lies. This should be a very interesting year for me.
Happy Running,
Sarah
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