I love taper madness. I hate taper madness. That lovely time before a race when you cannot work out or run and you have to eat more salt and carbs. One should embrace this however, it can be cruel and unusual punishment for some of us. Me actually. After having six months of running buzzes and feeling amazing in my being I can't break a sweat. After six months of fueling nutrition and eating everything that is good for me - now I must eat whole grain pasta and V-8 juice. Still somewhat nutritious but it makes me feel like a puffer fish. On top of all of that my extreme race anxiety has kicked in and I have no outlet to get over it. Other than yelling at Honey Bunny. Luckily for me he is also a marathoner and he gets it.
I had my first marathon running dream last night. I was running and running and running. Which is what you do in a marathon. No I wasn't doing it naked but I do remember my feet shuffling and it was really hot. So I wake up this morning thinking I have missed me marathon - slept right through it. Can you imagine? Missing something you have trained six months for, lost time with your family for, lost your toenails for. Just because you couldn't haul your ass out of bed on time. These are the things that are keeping me up right now. Oh the madness...oh the absurdity.
I was meeting with my wonderful neighbors earlier this week and our discussion started a thought process that has taken me a few days to work through and it has got me thinking about a few things. This group started meeting a few years ago to kick off a weight loss, healthy eating, dieting, losing weight, getting fit and becoming overall healthier superstars. Of course we have had some successes and some failures but what I realized is that we kicked off 2009 all with the same goals. We also kicked off 2009 at the same starting place as 2008. Wondering where the year had gone and why were we still having trouble getting our pants buttoned.
Oprah has also kicked in her new year with the same resolution and asking herself the same questions. How did I get here again? I think she may have the answer but I don't think it is in the team of experts she regularly surrounds herself with. I think as women we do not know how to love ourselves enough to give ourselves the gift of health. We could argue that potato chips just taste better. And they do. We could argue that there is not enough time in the day to get our work done, have time with our families, clean our house, etc...and there isn't. We could argue that there isn't enough money to pay for the tres expensive produce we need to sustain our bodies or the nice gym that gives us a great workout option...and there sometimes isn't. But these are really just excuses. Really they are. You can yell at me all you want. You can call me all the names you want. I am right. How do I know I am right? Because those excuses are all just the tip of iceberg of my list. I saw a quote on another blog a few days ago and I can't remember the whole thing but it made reference to at the end of your life you will either have a bunch of successes or a list of excuses why you didn't accomplish them.
For me, I have made finally the connection between the last piece of the puzzle and my total success at being healthy. The exercise for me is no problem. I workout more than most of my friends and family. I spend more time pounding the pavement and lifting weights than most women my age. I am still not at a healthy weight. The last piece of the puzzle for me is the eating. As a certified running coach and as a runner myself, I have spoken to many many people about not exercising and the dangers of not giving this gift to yourself. I have posted in a previous blog about making my son go to the gym with me because it is the difference between and nice mommy and a mean one. I have overcome the whole issue of time management and training. Not many things get in the way of my run or workout.
The problem for me is that I let everything get in the way of my diet. I got issues, yeah we all do but this time I feel a sense of empowerment because I finally realized the whole connection. Eating right is another gift to give myself. My parents used to tell me that as a child I just needed too much love. While some of you may be sad right now - I have dealt with all of this and moved on. The only reason I bring it up is because I always looked to my Honey Bunny and my son to fill that void I didn't get from my parents. I grew up looking to get it from my friends which is why I ate when I wasn't with them. Now I have a good relationship with my parents, I have a wonderful partner for life and the most wonderful son a mother could ask for. I just never learned how to stop eating. What I know this time is a healthy life is the best form of love. I can give myself the love that I have always needed and wanted by living the cleanest, healthiest life possible. If I can give myself this - my husband and son won't have quite the burden of loving me so much. They can love themselves. This is a gift I can give my child that I didn't get but most importantly it is the gift I can give myself. I will never find the answers or the support or the love at the bottom of a potato chip bag although God knows I have looked for it there. I have found all of those things at the finish line though. Food for thought??!!!
So today I eat - and I don't workout. But I am kinder to myself than before and I am really looking forward to January 15th. This is D -Day for me. This will give me plenty of time to recover from the Marathon and shop for me new diet which I will unveil next week.
I beg the question today. Do you love yourself enough to do the work? If you don't love yourself at this weight, or fitness level, or place in your life than isn't it worth the effort to look into changing it? I am pretty sure I know the answer.
Happy Running,
Sarah
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