The One About Me Being Happy

Race Report Monday will actually have to be Race Report Tuesday because little honey bunny did not have school yesterday - teacher work day - so I was not able to string three sentences together.  So - how did it go you ask?  It went GREAT I say to you!!!!  I ran the Frostbite 15K on Sunday and I ran every step of the way.  My time was not as good as the first time I ran it (I credit Honey Bunny for pacing me that day and I was also 15 pounds lighter!) but I did run the whole thing, I did finish, even though I was in the way back of the pack and I was so happy and proud of myself.  I had three clients and friends running the race for the first time and they all crossed the finish line.  I was so happy and proud and psyched for everyone's accomplishment that it just was icing on the racing cake. I really did need this to happen for me - I needed the victory of a good run and race to justify all of my hard work and to start to undo last Fall.  My training season and marathon of last year was so dismal and emotionally draining that to have a little bit of confidence going into February is really exhilarating.  Did I mention I am so happy!!!!???

This weekend I went off the diet slightly.  Saturday was o.k. for the most part but I did have a planned pre-race meal of lentil and beef soup with whole wheat bread.  I drank 2 liters of water and woke up on Sunday to have my new pre race and long training run meal of oatmeal, blueberries and flax seed.  After my run,  all bets were then off on the diet front.  I had biscuits and gravy and hash browns and then moved on to steak and fries with a martini for dinner.  Yeah I had indigestion.  My stomach hurt and I had to sit up for a few hours before I could go to bed but I didn't care - I was celebrating and was having a great time - Honey Bunny had gotten a babysitter and we were having a really nice night together.  I was feeling positive and not at all anxious.  The plan was to continue on with the detox diet on Monday morning but having little honey bunny out of school threw a slight monkey wrench into the plan and I didn't juice in the morning and I didn't start out with a liter of water.  But I did eat a salad for lunch and some veggies and fish for dinner so all was not totally lost.  This morning I got up and started again but it doesn't feel like from scratch.  I was looking forward to the juicing this morning and getting a liter of water out of the way.  I had a killer workout at the gym for about 2 hours and came home and had a salad that I had made before I left.

I seem to have an abundance of energy lately and my mood is very elevated.  Unlike last week, when I was feeling really sluggish and blah and tired, now I have tons of energy and even some drive to get things done.  My workouts have been outstanding which really surprises me because everything I have ever been told is to get up and have a huge breakfast and get your metabolism going.  This diet is the opposite - or at least it feels very different.  As for losing weight - only about two pounds came off last week.  So this week I am incorporating a few things differently.  One is I am not buying any of the snacky salty crappy things that I get for little honey bunny's lunch.  Yesterday I had a talk with him and asked him to buy those things in the cafeteria and he agreed.  I told him the truth and said I didn't want them in the house because I eat them all the time and I wanted to make better choices.  He said - no problem Mom!!!  So cute.  The other thing I am doing is I have put the body bugg back on and shooting for a daily goal of burning 2500 calories.  I enjoy the working out and didn't do much of it last week so putting these two things together hopefully will yield some results.  If not, then next week, I will move into the weighing and counting part of the diet which I would like to avoid but I want to continue to progress and make better decisions about my health.  I was reading this article in Fitness Magazine and it was an article about why your diet's aren't working.  One of the reason's was because you don't stick with it long enough.  Most people are not patient (me) and when big results don't happen, they give up (me).  You have to realize that it is not about the end result.  Do not focus on what you will weigh and what your life will be like but instead focus on the process.  Now, this makes sense to me because my biggest realization about running a marathon was that ultimately, it is not about the race itself, but it is all about the training and the journey you have taken to get there.  It is about the miles and miles you have piled on - one after another - that gets you to your goal.  So here I am, at mile two in my nutrition/diet/detox/overhaul/makeover and I am doing pretty good!!!!  Oh yeah - and in case I forgot to mention it - that makes me happy!!!!!!!

Great Article!!!!

http://home.trainingpeaks.com/articles/running/the-tyranny-of-the-comfort-zone.aspx

The One About the Cutest Dog in the World

• Happy Friday Wrap Up!!!!!!!! Bullet Style...
• I just read this great article which I will post on the site after I post this.  It was about training in the "dark place".  It talked about how basically if you want to run a marathon - you must train yourself to suffer and getting through it as much as you must train your athletic performance and endurance.  This spoke to me!
• Speaking of marathons - one of the best quotes I heard this week about the marathon is that it is not a speed test or race, it is a strength race.  Can't give the credit to anybody - I watched it on the Dan Ho Show - love it.
• I am putting off doing a race this weekend.  The Frostbite 15K is happening on Sunday and I don't know if mentally I am ready to be out there.  I don't think I need another mentally debilitating run so I am trying my best to chicken out and not do it.  
• The weather for the race is supposed to be 62 degrees and raining.  Perfect right? 
• Little Honey Bunny was sitting in the car last night and was telling me what a bad basketball player he is and it doesn't matter because it is not his dream sport which is baseball.  I am concerned.
• Honey Bunny overheard two women talking in Chick-Fil-A last night about a great detox diet.  One woman was talking about how much weight she had lost doing one and the other was asking where she could get a juicer.  My first thought was - get your asses out of the booth!!!!!!!!!
• Seeds of Change makes these great simmer sauces.  They are curries and they go from level low to high in the heat department.  There is not an ounce of crap in any of them.  I had the mild one with my tilapia last night and I have to say - delicious.  Lick the plate good.  Too bad I am not eating any bread these days or naan as it would have been phenomenal to pick up every last bit!!!!!
• I took a three hour nap yesterday.  Before you condemn me for being astonishingly lazy, let me just say this to you - thhhhhbbbbbbppppppppp ( you know that is me sticking out my tongue and making that funny noise that kids make right?)
• I have tried to work this week without the tv on.  I have to have something on because I get scared in my house with it quiet (not in my own head).  That's from an early childhood trauma which is not a bullet type thing to get into.  Suffice to say - I did good this week.
• My dog Astrud is the cutest smartest dog ever.  Not kidding.  She's a girl's girl.  Even my mother loves her and she hates dogs.  She won't poop in the rain though so that's a problem but whatever.  
• Today I feel content.  I actually can't remember feeling this way, ever. Content is such a nice word.  A calming word.  I feel good in my own skin.  
• I was thinking today about all of the people who keep saying on the news (and by people I mean politicians and in particular Republicans) that the people have spoken.  Well I thought the people spoke in November of 2008 and it seems as if we haven't given anyone a chance to do great things.  For once, tell the truth, stop relying on the stupid press to do your bidding and stop speaking for me.  I can do it all by myself.
• I would like to go to one of the orphanages in Haiti and take every single child home.  I would love to help them heal and feel love and safety and have three squares and a warm bed and some shoes and some books and some...well I really just want to wrap my empty arms around them.  
• If you have not heard the song Elephants by Rachael Yamagata - you should immediately get on itunes and give it a listen.  Gut Wrenching and achingly beautiful.  Plus I am sure I get to be an elephant in a future life (as I am still trying to get this one right) because I think they are perfection!  

All done!  Happy Running, Happy Writing,  Happy Anything that gives you joy this weekend!!!!!!

The One About the Great Eliminator

Day Three of Detox.  YUCK.  UGGGHHHHH.  I feel like I am possibly coming down with the flu.  If you are squeamish about bodily things...Stop Reading Immediately and proceed down to the next paragraph break where I will talk about something way more pleasant.  So my body seems to be rejecting this food.  When I read that day three or so would be gentle cleansing day - I thought that meant that I would be hopping to the potty every hour or so.  What I did not bargain for was the amount of bodily fluids would be coming out of me everywhere else!!  Gross I know but I have had to blow my nose 25 times this morning and I have to pee like alot of pee every 20 minutes.  I haven't even pooped yet today which is somewhat alarming and makes me feel like I cannot leave my house.  I have been achy, irritable and really really tired.  I ran yesterday and it was horrible, I felt like my legs were dead stumps and my upper body was just dying to fold over on the ground.  I actually believed I was running backwards at one point because it was easier to run through the sand wall that seemed to be encompassing me that way than to face it dead on ahead.  Excuse me for a moment - I have to go pee and blow my nose.

O.K. I am back.  Thanks for waiting.  Honey Bunny has a theory that even detoxing from sugar and bread and carbs can be difficult.  He thinks that all this stuff is just trying to get out and my body has really gotten used to such nasty vile things and doesn't know how to function without them.  I cannot even imagine if I had done the caffeine withdrawal as well.  That is the one thing I didn't give up.  I still have a cup of coffee upon waking up (because nothing else could get me out of my flu like coma that occurs at night lately) and I do not want to off my entire family with a machete because I am dieting and going through caffeine withdrawal.  So I compromised but I am trying to follow the diet to the letter.  The hardest thing is after my coffee I begin the diet with a liter of water.  Not easy for me to get down an entire bottle of water before I can have any juice.  Even then, you really just want a scone or a bagel, not a big glass of spinach and kale.  So this morning I woke up and did not feel any better and I did not lose any weight yesterday so I was definitely on the verge of quitting.  Because that is what I do in these circumstances.  But I had to take little honey bunny to the dentist this morning so I decided to take my bottle of water with me and try to get it down.  Then when I got home, I made a new juice recipe.  This one is called The Great Eliminator - which if the title is true - I was just going to throw in the towel and bring my laptop into the bathroom with me.  It is not a green juice which I just couldn't stomach the though of today as it has beets and carrots in it.  So I juiced and poured the first glass and sat down with my meditation music channel on to write today and took a sip.  HOLY CRAP this thing is delicious.  It really tastes like a grape popsicle.  Not kidding.  It is sooooooo yummy.  So I can't quit today, because I won't get to drink this ever again so that is motivation enough for me to continue - at least for a few more hours.

I have found that I am a hump person.  I know, I know, please insert your common comments right here.  You know if I could come up with a better name I would but for now, let's just let this one sit.  I have this theory that for many obstacles in my life I just have to get over the hump and then things are good, sometimes great and sometimes even downright joyful.  I have this thing called a brain that gets in the way of these positive experiences.  My brain has a faulty wire that causes me to almost explode with anxiety when I am presented with some sort of obstacle.  Even an obstacle to something wonderful.  I seize up and get anxious and start to panic and think - oh my god, oh holy shit, oh fuck, fuck, fuck - I can't do this or what if something happens or I am going to be bad at this or crap, crap, crap.  So I have to go through this process and find some way to get over the hump of this anxiety.  I have to find some happy place in my mind that frees me up and allows me to relax and move on.  When I find this place, when I am over the hump, miracles happen.  The moment passes.  Like it was never there.  Like this morning.  I woke up, not feeling great knowing before I could eat anything good I had to choke down a bottle of water.  I knew I had to drink my juice before I could have something solid and delicious (today it is a sweet potato with organic butter and corn and lemongrass soup) so I really considered giving up. But I perservered and the moment has passed.  I am drinking my lip smacking delicious grape popsicle and looking forward to a steam and a sauna visit to my gym today.  Life is good.  Even with the humps.

The One About Migdalia

OMG - did you see The Biggest Loser last night?  I was completely drawn into the Green Team's youngest member and her "discussion" with Jillian first and then Bob.  This girl's pain is totally palpable through the TV screen.  I was brought to tears during her confrontation with Jillian. Clearly, she was pushing her buttons and trying to bring up her emotions.  What Jillian said to her though was what ran me over like a Mac Truck.  She said - your emotions are a compass.  They are not meant to be pushed down or ignored, they are meant to be felt and moved through in order to learn something about yourself and others around you.  When you don't feel them and move through them this is what happens (meaning a 300 pound girl with a wall the size of China's around her).  HOLY SHIT did this speak to me.  Now, I don't have 200 pounds to lose and I don't have a gigantic wall around me and I have learned to work through some of my shit BUT I couldn't believe how this scene hit me in my gut.  I don't like moving through emotions.  I don't like feeling anxious and I especially don't like feeling lonely.  Lately I am feeling both of these things.

After November and my big fat DNF I had to do some serious thinking about my running career.  I had already signed up to do the Flying Pig Marathon in May because I knew that my training was not working for me and I wanted a chance to work on my own without the stress of summer training and the gigantic one size fits all Sportsbackers group and babysitting and honey bunny's marathon and the heat and everything else.  I wanted to set a goal for myself and try to achieve it.  My two running partners had both been able to do that at Chicago and I wanted a taste of it.  Originally, one of them was going to run it and had already signed up for it.  The other one was considering it.  As of now, neither one is going.  I am not dismayed by this because I know they both love me and support me and will help me get there.  I asked Honey Bunny to run the actual race with me (he ran Richmond where I fell out and it was a horrifically bad scene for a marriage!) and he turned me down (lovingly though).  He said, you really need to figure out how to do this on your own.  WHAT?  WHY?  HOW? WHAT?  REALLY?
Why would anyone want to do this on their own?  Immediately I wanted a cheeseburger.  It was and instant, urgent and compulsive reaction.  I am scared of being alone.  The feeling that I am alone in this world is a constant and crippling fear of mine.  I don't understand exactly though where this comes from.  I have fabulous friends.  I mean fabulous.  I can think of about 50 people right off the top of my head that I can call or email or text and tell them I want to do something or just hang out or chat and they will be right there.  I have Honey Bunny and little honey bunny who do nothing but love me (and sometimes annoy me) and who want to be around me all the time.  It sometimes seems as if I have this hole.  This bottomless pit of need and emotion and it cannot be filled by anything.  I have many compulsive behaviours.  I shop, I eat, I could drink if given the opportunity.  Too bad I don't clean compulsively.  So, why is it that I feel lonely?  Why do I feel the loneliness if I am not actually lonely?  Have I programmed the behaviour with the emotion?  If I start to get a little anxious or lonely or sad or whatever, do I automatically think the world is ending except for me and I just start eating to pad the emotion?  Have I learned to feed or spend through every emotion, no matter what it is?  Is it now all the same?  Wasn't there some book written about "what's eating you" or something? Where you sit with the emotion for a little bit just to see what the emotion is?  Perhaps this would be effective for me.  Perhaps, I don't even know what I am feeling but when some uncomfortable emotion comes up I don't recognize it.  Perhaps, it is not loneliness.  Today, I will consciously feel all the emotions of the day.  Today, I will take a moment to figure out what I am really feeling.

Day 2 of Detox diet today.  This is what I ate yesterday.  I started with a fruit smoothie made with blueberries, acai, hemp powder, spirulina green machine, flax meal, coconut water and soymilk.  Then I moved on to the juicing.  I had a green juice made of spinach, romaine lettuce, cucumber, lemon and ginger which I sipped on all morning into afternoon.  Then I had a gigantic salad - and I mean huge.  I definitely wanted a snack at 4:00 which is when I always want a snack so I had some olives.  Then for dinner I had salmon with half of a baked sweet potato and asparagus with a mushroom gravy.  Before bed I had a glass of red wine and a small piece of chocolate. I didn't count anything.  I didn't weigh anything.  I didn't measure anything and I didn't write anything down (does this count?)  Today I weighed one and a half pounds less.  With as many trips as I made to the bathroom yesterday, it should have been three pounds but losing weight is not my forte so I will take anything.  This diet says that around day 2 or 3 or maybe 4 if you are particularly sluggish, you will experience a "cleansing effect" which I assuming means you will be pooping your ass off for a few hours.  I am hoping today is not the day.
One thing I noticed was how not swollen I feel.  No puffiness when I woke up today - my rings slipped on and off and my feet weren't the least bit fat.  Small victories.

The One About the Friend in the Magazine

So I am opening up my Shape Magazine and flipping ahead to the usual articles, the ones that I look to provide me with the inspiration I need to get my ass in gear and move ahead with some of my goals.  I love the Shape Reader Success Stories - love them!!  Then my next favorite is the journalist that they pick to journey with over the entire year.  I have found that these stories are way more realistic and I identify with the good, the bad and the ugly parts of their struggles.  So imagine my surprise and delight when I actually KNEW the editor in residence this year!!  It is my good friend from Charlottesville, Jennifer Barnett.  Now let me just share some things with you about this awesome girl that I remember.  First of all, one time, we all went tubing down the James River and this chic shows up in some awesome platform sandals, jumps in her intertube and floats down the River laughing and smiling the whole way.  Then I remember a picture of her in her office as Carmen Miranda with the fruit bowl and everything...LOVE IT.  There are numerous stories of her fabulousness but one memory I will always have is that when we were in New York and little honey bunny was in the NICU and very ill, she came to see me and not only did she come to see me but she went to the hospital and came in with me to see my baby.  It was very special for me and I will always treasure that moment.  So our lives have evolved and through the magic of Facebook, come together again and she is busy with her own family and work but when I see her in the magazine in all of her beautiful gloriousness, I can't help but get a little emotional and feel like I must somehow take this journey with her.

The end of last year was very tough for me.  I had my very first DNF at the Marathon in November.  This was every bit of humiliating and embarrassing as you might think.  It was an awful end to a very stressful and very difficult training season.  The other thing that happened was I did not get my annual period in December.  The definition of menapause is one year without menustration.  I would have a period once a year - usually in December.  I would hold onto this one period because it gave me hope that I could still get pregnant - no matter how slim the chance it gave me a shred to hold onto.  So when December came and went - so did my hope.  It was very, very, very difficult and sad.  I was really really sad.  So during this time I went on a bender.  And I mean a bender.  I ate.  I drank.  I didn't exercise.  I didn't run.  I gained 15 pounds.  Fifteen pounds in two months.  So I started running again and dieting again because nothing fit.  I was using body glide to get into my regular pants - not my running pants so I knew something had to happen.  I got a Body Bugg from Honey Bunny for Christmas which is a great tool but I can't seem to survive on 1500 calories - STARVING.  So I dieted for three weeks, worked out twice a day, sometimes three and lost 2 pounds.  Ridiculous.

I eat my emotions.  I eat when I am sad and I eat when I am bored.  I eat when I am happy and I eat to celebrate.  I feel like I deserve some things - no matter what it is and I feel like it should be food.  So this year - starting now, I will write my emotions instead of eating them.  Look out - could be ugly - could be painful - could be a train wreck - could be more than you want to know about me.  What am I doing in the meantime about the food?  I am detoxing.  I am very drawn to the world of organic juicing, whole, clean foods, raw eating and just plain healthy diets.  I love to read about nutrition and getting the most bang for my buck.  I love health food stores and vegetable aisles.  I don't really like eating them but it has gotten to the point that I know I will not feel good until I am consuming them daily.  And believe me, I don't feel good right now.  I am not sleeping well, I have stomach pains daily.  My digestion is not optimal - Dr. Oz would have a field day with me.  I have heart burn and muscle aches all the time.  This has to stop.  I am in really great shape as far as my exercise habits.  I work out all the time.  I can run marathons (last November aside) and my outsides need to match my insides.  Due to the premature menapause, my blood pressure is up and my cholesterol is borderline high.  I need to look at my overall health picture and really think about how I want to live the next 20 years.

So, along with my good friend Jennifer, join me in this journey.  My goal is that no one be disappointed when we get to the finish.

Order in the house - Shape Blog post - Diet, Fitness, Recipes, Healthy Eating Expertise

Order in the house - Shape Blog post - Diet, Fitness, Recipes, Healthy Eating Expertise