The One About Migdalia

OMG - did you see The Biggest Loser last night?  I was completely drawn into the Green Team's youngest member and her "discussion" with Jillian first and then Bob.  This girl's pain is totally palpable through the TV screen.  I was brought to tears during her confrontation with Jillian. Clearly, she was pushing her buttons and trying to bring up her emotions.  What Jillian said to her though was what ran me over like a Mac Truck.  She said - your emotions are a compass.  They are not meant to be pushed down or ignored, they are meant to be felt and moved through in order to learn something about yourself and others around you.  When you don't feel them and move through them this is what happens (meaning a 300 pound girl with a wall the size of China's around her).  HOLY SHIT did this speak to me.  Now, I don't have 200 pounds to lose and I don't have a gigantic wall around me and I have learned to work through some of my shit BUT I couldn't believe how this scene hit me in my gut.  I don't like moving through emotions.  I don't like feeling anxious and I especially don't like feeling lonely.  Lately I am feeling both of these things.

After November and my big fat DNF I had to do some serious thinking about my running career.  I had already signed up to do the Flying Pig Marathon in May because I knew that my training was not working for me and I wanted a chance to work on my own without the stress of summer training and the gigantic one size fits all Sportsbackers group and babysitting and honey bunny's marathon and the heat and everything else.  I wanted to set a goal for myself and try to achieve it.  My two running partners had both been able to do that at Chicago and I wanted a taste of it.  Originally, one of them was going to run it and had already signed up for it.  The other one was considering it.  As of now, neither one is going.  I am not dismayed by this because I know they both love me and support me and will help me get there.  I asked Honey Bunny to run the actual race with me (he ran Richmond where I fell out and it was a horrifically bad scene for a marriage!) and he turned me down (lovingly though).  He said, you really need to figure out how to do this on your own.  WHAT?  WHY?  HOW? WHAT?  REALLY?
Why would anyone want to do this on their own?  Immediately I wanted a cheeseburger.  It was and instant, urgent and compulsive reaction.  I am scared of being alone.  The feeling that I am alone in this world is a constant and crippling fear of mine.  I don't understand exactly though where this comes from.  I have fabulous friends.  I mean fabulous.  I can think of about 50 people right off the top of my head that I can call or email or text and tell them I want to do something or just hang out or chat and they will be right there.  I have Honey Bunny and little honey bunny who do nothing but love me (and sometimes annoy me) and who want to be around me all the time.  It sometimes seems as if I have this hole.  This bottomless pit of need and emotion and it cannot be filled by anything.  I have many compulsive behaviours.  I shop, I eat, I could drink if given the opportunity.  Too bad I don't clean compulsively.  So, why is it that I feel lonely?  Why do I feel the loneliness if I am not actually lonely?  Have I programmed the behaviour with the emotion?  If I start to get a little anxious or lonely or sad or whatever, do I automatically think the world is ending except for me and I just start eating to pad the emotion?  Have I learned to feed or spend through every emotion, no matter what it is?  Is it now all the same?  Wasn't there some book written about "what's eating you" or something? Where you sit with the emotion for a little bit just to see what the emotion is?  Perhaps this would be effective for me.  Perhaps, I don't even know what I am feeling but when some uncomfortable emotion comes up I don't recognize it.  Perhaps, it is not loneliness.  Today, I will consciously feel all the emotions of the day.  Today, I will take a moment to figure out what I am really feeling.

Day 2 of Detox diet today.  This is what I ate yesterday.  I started with a fruit smoothie made with blueberries, acai, hemp powder, spirulina green machine, flax meal, coconut water and soymilk.  Then I moved on to the juicing.  I had a green juice made of spinach, romaine lettuce, cucumber, lemon and ginger which I sipped on all morning into afternoon.  Then I had a gigantic salad - and I mean huge.  I definitely wanted a snack at 4:00 which is when I always want a snack so I had some olives.  Then for dinner I had salmon with half of a baked sweet potato and asparagus with a mushroom gravy.  Before bed I had a glass of red wine and a small piece of chocolate. I didn't count anything.  I didn't weigh anything.  I didn't measure anything and I didn't write anything down (does this count?)  Today I weighed one and a half pounds less.  With as many trips as I made to the bathroom yesterday, it should have been three pounds but losing weight is not my forte so I will take anything.  This diet says that around day 2 or 3 or maybe 4 if you are particularly sluggish, you will experience a "cleansing effect" which I assuming means you will be pooping your ass off for a few hours.  I am hoping today is not the day.
One thing I noticed was how not swollen I feel.  No puffiness when I woke up today - my rings slipped on and off and my feet weren't the least bit fat.  Small victories.