The One About Having Bionic Parts

I am torn lately between the zen of running in the Fall and dealing with the stress of having elderly parents that are starting to need care.  Not in the sense of disease, thank goodness, but just in the general demise of my parent's bodies.  My mother just recently underwent her second hip replacement.  My father, who is one year out of having a five inch rod put in his back with screws to hold together his spinal column is currently undergoing a procedure to repair a torn meniscus and getting cortisone injections to put off his first hip replacement.  It is really not fun to watch at all.  It is, as a matter of fact painful to be around them.
I just signed up for a marathon.  The first of what I hope to be a three marathon year.  I will be running Little Rock, Arkansas in early March.  So I have started training again and I must say that October in Richmond has never been better.  Full on foliage beauty.  It is a sight to behold the awesome colors and smells of a cool crisp fall running day with temperatures in the low 50's, lots of sunshine and low humidity.  It is truly a runners dream and when I have a bad run, I just don't care because any run on a day like this is sooooo much better than no run at all.  Today I put this idea to the test because instead of going for a run today, I went to see my parents.  My Mom has really no energy and has not gotten dressed in 14 days.  She refuses to take her pain medication so she is really suffering through the pain unnecessarily and she really lacks the discipline to do her exercises.  And I am talking flexing the foot, not squats.  She is still using her walker and has not gotten outside to walk except when her PT forces her.  Yet she is convinced that she can go on a trip in February that would involve tons of walking.  I, of course feel really bad for my Mom.  She is a tough person.  She is very lucky that she has lived this long with just hip replacements.  She has done some amazing things in her life - not one of them physical but that's o.k.  Or is it?  I think sometimes, I don't let her off the hook because she cannot push herself in any physical manner.  She just cannot do it.  I think I run marathons because I don't want to end up like my mother.  Yet, my Dad, who has been physical most of his life, is in the same condition - maybe worse.  Of course, his choice of physical exercise was golf - which I am sure one could argue that he was getting a workout - but you would have to really convince me.  I think that he always dreamed of doing lots of hiking and walking and fun active trips but Mom never wanted to do any of those things.
So my question to myself and to everyone out there is this...should I feel guilty for feeling so bad about my parents situation?  Is it wrong to be so depressed after visiting them and seeing them so feeble and old?  Is it wrong to really just not want to go back because it makes me so sad?  Am I the worst daughter ever?
I think that the best thing I can do is to go for a run.  I cannot change them, I can only take what I have from this experience and apply it to myself so that I don't end up in the same situation.  My running partner and I talk all the time about how we want to die.  At the finish line when they give us the medal.  A heart exploding after a marathon is fine by me.  Seems strange to some but that would really make me happy.  And, as I have observed from my parents, I would really like to go with all of my parts if I am so lucky.  My Dad always asks me - "How long you think those knees of yours are going to last with all that running?"  I always want to say - probably longer than yours old man. Not very respectful I know.  But you know as I was riding in the car with my Dad today he said something that reminded me of myself.  He said - you know, I would just like to go on a total health kick and see if I can get off all of my medications.  I was so impressed with him.  And my Mom, who has been overweight all of her life has lost 18 pounds this past year.  Without any physical exercise at all.  These two people are 71 years old.  And they are changing or at least trying to change their lives.  They have not given up on trying to be healthier.  Those two things make me think that we all have struggles, we all have demons.  Yet, we all have successes and we all have abilities to do better.  I have always wanted them to think of me as a hero - someone who inspires them and drives them to change their lives by watching me change mine.  It seems as if I have overlooked a couple of heroes of my own. It would seem that I learned what I needed to learn from them.  That my drive and desire to be healthier happens because of them, not in spite of them.

The One About the Boob Tube

Everyone has a doctor in him or her; we just have to help it in its work. The natural healing force within each one of us is the greatest force in getting well. Our food should be our medicine. Our medicine should be our food. But to eat when you are sick, is to feed your sickness.

Hippocrates

I think it's a very interesting idea that food should heal all illnesses.  In fact I think often that food is a direct link to health and wellness.  When I was pregnant with little honey bunny, I had gestational diabetes and was instantly thrown into a world of nutrition, calorie counting and carbohydrate controlled mayhem. Already interested in nutrition, I learned quite a bit about how food works in the body.  This was my first introduction into "preventable and lifestyle diseases".  Gestational Diabetes was not my fault.  My body produced a hormone in the placenta that blocked insulin production so I had to have some help until I gave birth.  However, this was the tip off that my body had the genetic predisposition to getting Type 11 Diabetes later in life.  Luckily, I have been able to fight off this horrid disease but the rest of the ailments that plague most people in their 40's on up have been knocking on my door for awhile and I have learned that the same rule applies.  Eat your veggies.  Simple as that.  We can eat to cure.  We can eat to live.  We can not only stop and prevent but actually halt and reverse disease by eating broccoli.  Think about that.  I mean really think about that...by eating a healthy plant based diet, you can get rid of high blood pressure.  You can remove plaque from your arterial walls.  You can unlock the magic keys in the pancreas that block insulin.  You can change your cellular structure to prevent certain types of cancer.  Really.  Really?  Yes Really.  Did you know that you can also get rid of sinus problems and acne and acid reflux and hot flashes and eczema?  Did you know that with a plant based diet you could save the environment and the health care crisis AND stave off impotency (in both men and women?)  

So what is the deal with not doing this?  Well I can tell you why it is hard for me.  It's hard for me because I spend way too much time thinking about food.  I have gone to the other side of the Hippocratic philosophy to the point where food is my addiction and instead of eating to live, I live to eat.  I live to eat all the wrong things.  I have an addiction.  And it is food.  Food used to nourish my soul and then it served as a friend and a lover and now it is really just a totally abusive spouse.  I never learned to use food as it should be used.  I fight almost daily doing it to my son.  It is a constant struggle to outwit, outplay and outlast my food cravings.  I have all of the red flags and tell tale signs of a personality disorder when it comes to food.  I crave potato chips and french fries when I start to feel anxious.  When I am sad or depressed, I start to go looking for ice cream and brownies.  When I am bored I want some kettle corn. When I am really pissed off, I want McDonald's.  When I am really happy, I want to go get a bunch of sushi and crab spring rolls.  And when I am feeling all of these I want to drink.  Lots and lots of wine.  Sometimes margaritas.  I look forward to all of the holidays so I can buy fun holiday cookie makings and special yummy breads and all kinds of fattening desserts.  It doesn't occur to me at this time to think of all of the awesome vegetables and fruit that will be in season or the incredibly fun activities that take place each season.  

Does it really just take a twist of the brain to start thinking like that?  Do you have to practice healthy habits of the mind, just like you have to practice everything else.  What if I worked daily on the practice of every time I thought of food, unless I was really hungry and it was time to eat, I forced myself to think of something else, more healthy or more spiritual or more funny or more touching?  

One of the things that works for me is to turn off the tv.  I have noticed that since I work from home, when I actually stay at home and don't venture to the library or to a coffee shop, I have to leave the tv on for some mindless company.  Well that mindless company most often turns into a distraction which puts me on the couch with some food and diet cokes and then that usually turns into an unplanned nap which then turns into fat assness.  So if I turn off the tv, I am acutely aware of going to the fridge and eating something that is not planned.  Somehow the tv gives me super invisible powers and I don't have to actually see or feel myself hitting the sectional with bags of crap in my hand.  The problem is, turning off the tv

So by changing one thing - maybe I have given the bad food a little less power and the veggies some time to do their work.  Maybe by instead of obsessing over every calorie I put in my mouth, by changing a behaviour I am taking more control over my addiction.  Maybe I can learn to eat to live instead of avoiding the fact that I am living to eat.  "To eat when you are sick is to feed your sickness."  Uh huh - got it.

The One About Not Eating Unicorns Anymore

I recently ran a race - the Army 10 Miler in Washington D.C.  It was a fantastic race.  I wasn't necessarily trained for this race but since I had signed up for it and it was very hard to get into and had filled up, I thought I would head up and do it.  I had an extremely awesome time doing the race.  I got to see Honey Bunny and Little honey bunny three times along the route.  The weather was great, it was a very gently rolling hill race (mostly flat), great and plenty of water stops, lots of runners around me - which is significant since I am in the back, and tons of inspiration to draw from - like the teams of army soldiers who had no or just one leg and they were completing the race.  So, I figured that I would just not put any pressure on myself and try my best to enjoy the race.  I thought that this would be my last race, even though I had signed up for two half marathons in the Fall, I really needed to take a break from what seemed like my worst training season ever.  Two half marathons in record slow times were not inspiring me to work harder.  It seemed as if I just needed to take some time to work on other things, like losing weight and  gaining strength.  So I just wanted to kick back and see how much of the race I could run.  I was very proud to say that I ran 99% of the race - the hardest part was from mile 8 1/2 to 9.  It was over a very boring uphill bridge and it was really, really warm at this point and we were very exposed to the elements so at that point, it got a little discouraging but overall, I was pretty happy with how much I had run of that race.  I spent the better part of the week basking in my post race glory and thought that for me - the time was pretty good.  Until I looked up my results for the Charlottesville 10 miler which I ran in March at what I thought was my highest weight ever.  I actually completed that race 5 minutes faster than this race.  And that race had at least 5 giant hills.  I couldn't believe it.  I was stunned and spent a good part of the day moping and undoing my glory bask because I actually ended a training season heavier and slower than I started.  What the FUCK?????  What a giant disappointment!  After this and of course the news earlier in the month that I needed blood pressure medication, do I still try to turn my life around?  No of course not.  I take a stab at it here and there...eat a fruit, a veggie, run a little. But do I count calories?  No.  Do I go totally vegan?  No.  Do I follow the Furman plan?  Nope.  Do I stop eating crap and drinking tons of wine?  Not even a little.  So what is a girl to do?  Give up?  Seriously, do I just give up on nickel and diming this thing to death?  I've always wanted to do something radical.  Like becoming a hard core vegan or a yogi or a meditating, brushing, juicing, raw foodie, purist.  Honey Bunny and I were at dinner last night where I was enjoying a nice ribeye sandwich with blue cheese aioli and he paid me one of the nicest compliments ever.  He said, one of the things that he totally loves about me is that I am really open to most things.  While some people are scared of what they see as the alternative, and thinking outside of the box is very intimidating - to me, there is no other way of life.  I like to think of myself as someone that can do this.  So why do I hesitate so much?  Not so much because it's hard.  And make no mistake, it is hard.  Not many restaurants serve vegan food and let's face it - all that cheese and yogurt and sour cream and lump crabmeat and london

I am looking for the support.  I will start with my own self awareness and my own self confidence and when that wanes, I will look to Honey Bunny most immediately because he is definitely a huge source of support.  After that goes, I will look to a few famous people like Alicia Silverstone and Brendan Brazier and Kris Carr for some quick inspiring thoughts.  I want to shake up this little bit of suburbia that I am living in - look out...here comes the vegan!!!!

The One About the 50 Miler

So I need a big goal.  A really big goal.  The reason I need a really big goal is because I typically use my really big goals to avoid the most immediate, important and should really be working on goals.  I usually feel that if I can work on a really big goal, the more important goals will either solve themselves or go away or at the very least, I will feel that those immediate goals are not nearly as important as my really big goal.  I think this might be similar to the definition of insanity which I keep coming back to, pretty often as it turns out.  Doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result.  I ran 3 marathons that way.  The fourth one, I finally did the miles and the hard work and voila- shaved 30 minutes off of my time.  I was still injured and not showing any significant weight loss but I did at the very least, work really hard on getting my miles in.
What is the really big goal?  What are the most immediate goals?  Well, I'll tell you.  The really big goal is that I want to run a 50 mile race. A real, authentic endurance run.  One with trails and rivers and rocks and some bad ass ratings.  The immediate goals are not nearly so exciting or sexy.  In fact, they are downright unsexy.  I need to lower my blood pressure by quite a bit and I need to reduce my waist circumference by at least 10 inches.  God how middle age is that?  I am fast approaching my 44th birthday (which gives me only one year left to qualify for Boston, which means that in a year, I may have to rename my blog:/) and for those of you that don't know I have already gone through menopause. I completed my long ass fertility journey three years ago.  Yes that's young and yes it was a surprise and yes it was a complete bummer.  But alas, I have made some peace with it or at least I thought I had until I  went to the minute clinic at CVS to have my blood drawn by a skinny ass nurse practitioner.  She was totally nice and supportive during the whole procedure.  Of course I did this to avoid going to my regular Doctor.  I knew my numbers would be a total disaster but I needed to know and I needed to know immediately because I had been putting it off.  I decided that I should go with the urge to know so in a valiant effort on my part to start managing what I measured, I boldly went in to have my finger pricked.  So I was totally suprised at some of the information.  I am going to share some totally personal information so that in order to get it all out there, I never, ever, ever have to say these numbers again and I become somewhat accountable to you.
Cholesterol:  198 - HDL 66, LDL 132, Tryglicerides, 53
Blood Pressure :  154/98
Resting Heart Rate - 49
Glucose - 78
Waist Circumference - 41
Weight - 196
Height - 5'4
BMI - 36 - obese

The glucose and the cholesterol were fine.  She would like to see the LDL under 100 but was not totally unhappy with the overall number.  The triglicerides were really good and she thought that was a direct link to my running.  My blood pressure totally sucks and that rate has put me in Stage 1 Hypertension which means I need medication.  My resting heart rate is that of an elite athlete (yeah) and I couldn't improve that any more if I tried.  My glucose was great which makes me extremely happy considering I had gestational diabetes and would do almost anything to avoid taking insulin ever again.  My waist measurement was devastating and I knew that my stomach was pushing maximum density (at times I felt my gut was pushing out past my enormous boobs!) but I still can recall my awesomely slim and svelte 27 inch waist of yore.  My BMI is not a suprise to me, nor was my weight, albeit not something I have wanted to deal with at all - shocking I know.  I have been in the obese BMI range for many many years now - even when I was 25 pounds less than I am now, the range on that thing is not very forgiving and I need to weigh what I weighed before I was married to get into the healthy range.

So what was really depressing to me though and downright scary was the blood pressure.  She urged my to call my doctor and start medication right away.   Not just because of the threat of a massive coronary event or because I could stroke out at any minute (although definitely a possibility for me) but because of the organ damage I am doing from carrying too much pressure in my veins. She also told me this was a direct result of menopause (also, my waist measurement was menopausal). I begged her for two months. Two months to lower the number and to whittle away at my waist which is a direct link to my blood pressure.  I absolutely must lower these two numbers.  10 inches, 20 pounds and ten points on my blood pressure at least.  No ifs ands or buts.  Those are the numbers that need to be seen by Thanksgiving.
So I came home and immediately looked up endurance runs.  I searched all day for my next big race.  The one that would set me on my goals.  I can't do an endurance run being all fat and out of shape.  Those people have great BMI's and blood pressures.  But here's the rub - you can do those things fat.  It's hard but I have done four marathons while sitting in the obese BMI range.
The endurance race is not going to get me there.  So I signed up for Weight Watchers.  I have given into the fact that I must be write down every single thing I eat.  I need to count calories.  I need to weigh and measure my food.  I am 100% interested in nutrition and fuel and veggies and veganism and micro nutrients and phyto nutrients and sustainable, organic farming and all those things.  But really what I need to be interested in is how many calories am I putting in my body and how many calories am I burning every single day.  I need to be all biggest loser, not ultra marathon woman right now.  I cannot look at the next big deal in order to forego the hard work.  I cannot maintain this denial about how I look and now how my body is reacting to my weight.  I must do the work.  I must relish the process and I must throw my heart and soul into it.  I have said this before and now I must say it again, I must be relentless in my pursuit of health.  If I don't, I will just be a middle aged, post menopausal, obese, blood pressure medicine taking marathoner.  That's not good enough for me.  But I still will be signing up for that race in Georgia for next October!

The One About The Ship Hitting The Sand

I have been reading this book called One Day by David Nicholls.  I love this book.  For one thing the style in which it is written in lends a bit of mystery and suspense to an otherwise somewhat predictable story.  The other reason I like it so much is because it takes place starting in 1986.  I graduated from high school in 1986 so I truly can appreciate some of the social references.  There is a quote from the book that has resonated with me in the last few weeks.  "The trick of it, she told herself, is to be courageous and bold and make a difference.   Not change the world exactly, just the bit around you.  Go out there with your double-first, your passion and your new Smith Corona electric typewriter and work hard at...something.  Change lives through art maybe. Write beautifully.  Cherish your friends, stay true to your principles, live passionately and fully and well.  Experience new things.  Love and be loved if at all possible.  Eat sensibly.  Stuff like that."
So here I am, with my sort of not so new Mac laptop, hanging out at my in-laws in south western Virginia, sharing some of my passion.  I have been thinking a lot this summer about my state of happiness or lack there of.  I usually don't enjoy summer.  Little honey bunny is out of school and we do not send him to too many camps.  1)because he really doesn't like them and 2) because they are crazy expensive and we chose this year to have a really great vacation at the end of summer.  So while I am totally crazy about little honey bunny, he makes me totally crazy by the end of the summer like most other parents.  We have way too much togetherness and I have way too little alone time.  Tack on a business that is now up and running successfully which allows me to work from home (yeah) and my own marathon training and then throw in the slight problem that this is Honey Bunny's busiest time and we usually don't see him until middle August and he has is own training - well - I could use a drink!!!
So I don't blog in the summer at all.  I just don't have the time and by the end of summer, I day dream all day long about what I would actually say if given the five minutes to think and clear my head.
Instead of vomiting all of what has been rattling inside my head, I'll just give you a piece.  For some of my friends, the ship has truly hit the sand.  Their marriages and lives seem to be falling apart.  Of course, this makes me really sad but what I really have noticed while I observe the wreckage around me is that most people seem to be walking around in a constant state of grim reaper mode.  Have you ever been to a party of event and gotten a hold of someone who is just so negative?  I mean, really you would think that the sun is not going to come up tomorrow if you hang around these people much longer.  We all know this person or even collective persons.  You are picturing them right now.  So think about this...did you ever think that the grim reaper might be you?  Do you ever stop to think that you are the person sucking all of the air out of the room or your friendships, or your marriage?  I think I might have been.  One tiny event over the phone the other day kick started this line of thinking for me.  A friend who is going through a nasty situation with her marriage said to me that now that the desire for divorce is out in the open, she feels no compunction whatsoever to save it and feels suddenly lighter and freer and is feeling very positive about her new life that is about to happen.  My natural reaction was kind of a bitter - well goodie-goodie for you, but deep down I just wanted to ask her why can't you feel like this in your current life?  I am seeing this right now in three different marriages.  They just are ready to move on and dump the crap that they see as holding them back and suffocating them and move on to something new and exciting.
Naturally, I see this as an opportunity to examine my own life and my own marriage and how I see the world.  I look to see how I can not be so judgemental but supportive.  How do I help my friends even when I think they are full of crap and just plain wrong.  I can't really be happy for my friends because I find this very sad and disappointing and (I know the world does not revolve around me and I know this is EXTREMELY selfish) I am really just totally bummed that I feel like I am losing my friends because I  am not sure how to navigate these particular waters.  The most surprising thing that came out of this was first, this urgent need to blog again, and second, my own grim reaper behavior.  I too, suddenly and surprisingly, like my friend, felt free.  Free and unburdened and suddenly...happy.  When you are mired down in the crap of life, and I know there is a ton of crap...  Mortgages, children, hubbies, in-laws, aging parents, politics, wars, social nuances, feeling alone, weight loss, disease prevention and fighting, job loss, blah blah blah...or you are mired down in someone else'sthings do not make you happy.  You are the only one that can do that.  But here is the kicker that most people do not acknowledge.  You have to do the work to make yourself happy.  Everyone has the right to be happy but more importantly, everyone is not given the automatic happy gene.  You have the right and the ability and the responsibility to do the work that it takes to be happy.  Your husband deserves it, your children deserve it and by golly - you deserve it.  You just might find that it keeps those grim reapers at bay, inside and out.

The One About Chopping Wood and Carrying Water

One thing I am realizing more and more lately is that runners are (for the most part) really scrappy people.  It is really hard for a runner to quit.  The reason for this is at about every mile during a race their can be the potential to quit.  To drop out.  To give up.  To give in to the pain.  It would be easier to stop moving your legs, crawl to a recovery tent, get your flip flops on and start drinking the beer.  But most runners most of the time don't.  Because you just can't.  Even if the run is epically bad, you keep going.  A finished dead last is always preferable to a did not finish.  Of course I know this to be true first hand.  November still haunts me.  13.1 miles is a great distance for a half but not for the full.
This past weekend I completed the Shamrock Half Marathon as a training run.  I finished.  Got a medal and a cool shirt and an awesome hat.  This was a great day for me.  A finish line is the prize for me - no matter how hard fought or how easily completed. I just need to get there.  To get there though - you must put in the hard work.  Every day.  I saw a shirt at the race this weekend that said Run. Eat. Rest. Repeat.  So true - you have to do the time to do the crime.
What if we all tried to do this in most of the important areas in our lives?  Let's see if this formula applies to a marriage...Listen. Love. Forgive. Repeat.  How about kids...Listen. Love. Discipline. Repeat.  O.K. - seems to work so far.  House cleaning?  Dust. Vacuum. Dishes. Repeat.
One of my favorite theories of buddhism is that before enlightenment you chop wood, carry water.  After enlightenment you chop wood, carry water.  I love the idea of this because in my life as in most people's chaos rules.  Disorganization, too much work, bills, health care, play dates, baseball practice, love life, sex life, clothes that don't fit, closets that are a mess, people that need help, etc.  etc.  etc.  I would love to have the time to sit and meditate and explore this idea but I don't.  And I actually have more time than most - I am just full up like the rest of us.  I have this friend who recently completed her first half marathon.  She put in the work but she said she didn't enjoy the training.  That the training gets in the way of her life.  Honey Bunny asked me if I felt that way today.  Do I really want to change my life back to the way it was before I trained all the time.  This stemmed from me not wanting to go to bed at the same time as little honey bunny.  Last night I wanted to stay up and have a glass of wine and watch some TV.  I didn't want to rest.  The answer of course is no I don't want to change my life.  I love training.  I love how bad ass it makes me feel and I love that I can say I put in the work.  I love trying to get better and improve my time.  In many areas of my life I have not put in the time.  This area I have.  And I am proud of it.
So when I get overwhelmed and the haunting of November creeps up on me (and believe me it does, not just on a run but in my everyday life) I try to remember the simple things.  I try to chop wood, carry water.  I run, I eat, I rest, I repeat.  Somehow, in the little things, the big picture becomes clear.

The One About Love

How do you treat yourself?  I mean really treat yourself?  Do you beat yourself up everyday?  Do you throw yourself under the bus?  Do you like yourself?  Do you love yourself?  Do you find yourself worthy of love?  Do you think you deserve all of your blessings?  Do you think you have earned all of the good things that have come your way?  I mean really? I bet you don't.  The reason you don't is most likely because you are a woman.  I mean this with all of the buddhist kindness and southern love I can muster but women generally suck at this.  Royally.  Now guilt and shame - we got that one covered.  Better than most.  I don't think that the Jews and the Catholics have any sort of claim on this - I think just having a vagina justifies this talent and skill.
Why is this you ask?  You don't ask?  Well I do.  I have been thinking about this so much lately.  I have spent the last few weeks losing some weight.  I have had some minor success.  I seem to be on a roll and have found the thing that is working for me.  I have lost 10.5 pounds and 10 inches in five weeks.  I will share with you what I am doing at a later time because I simply don't want to jinx it.  I can tell you that it is a formal weight loss program and there are several elements that seem to provide me with the motivation to keep going.  The statement that has kicked off this storm of thoughts and emotions is this though - "Sarah, you need to find a non food reward. A way to make yourself feel loved and safe without calories."
HOLY SHIT NO I CAN'T BECAUSE THAT IS NOT WHAT I DO.  I don't know how to feel safe without a bag of chips and I certainly don't know how to feel love without a brownie chaser.  Comfort and security is best served with a nice cold Sauvignon Blanc.  Peace and happiness for me is found at the nearest bakery or Cold Stone Creamery.  To treat oneself means to take oneself out to eat.
So after I panicked, I made an appointment at the newest Spa on the block for a lovely facial.  As I was laying under the warm blanket waiting for my absolutely beautiful master esthetician to make me gorgeous I was wondering if I really needed this.  Actually what I thought was do I really deserve this.  Can I afford to take the time and money and get a rub down and an exfoliation for one hour.  Have I earned the right to feel better about myself and feel pretty.  Well of course I have you might say and I might say laughing the whole silliness off.  But what I really uncovered was - no I don't. It's hard.  It is really hard to say - I deserve an hour of pampering because I have worked hard this week.  I have earned the right to take some time for myself because I could use a break.  While I am writing this I am at a public wine and coffee house and there is a man working next to me drinking a glass of wine.  In the middle of the day...bet he doesn't feel guilty at all.  Doesn't even think it's a treat - he just wanted a nice cold glass of white wine so he ordered it and is drinking it.  Oh to be so free with the self loving.
I have been wrestling with so many emotions lately since I am no longer eating them away but this guilt and shame thing keeps coming to the surface.
Little honey bunny has been struggling lately in the social game - particularly in our neighborhood.  He is not being picked on but he is one of the younger ones and the older kids are just pulling a I am too cool for school trip and aren't allowing him to play in any reindeer games.  Of course this pisses me off and it annoys me but I also know it is normal boy stuff and a part of growing up.  I have even caught him doing it to other young kids.  So I have been trying to strike a balance when I talk to him about it.  Yesterday afternoon he came home crying because he just wanted to play a football game and the other kids didn't so Honey Bunny was talking to him about how he was being treated.  One of the things he said was that little honey bunny should remember this feeling and not make anyone else feel this way.  Good lesson right?  If you feel this bad when this happens to you - don't ever make anyone else feel that bad - even if they are not your best friend.  I feel that some of this comes down to simple human decency.  Treat others the way you want to be treated.  I also say - don't give the other kids the opportunity to see that they got to you and know that Honey Bunny and Runner Girl are always there as a safe place to land.  We do this for our children because we love them.  Why don't we do this for ourselves? Why can't we provide our own squishy puffy landing pad?  Why do we try to teach our children simple human decency when we can't even give it to ourselves?  I will tell you why - it's because it is  learned behavior.  It is not something that is a part of our physical fiber.  It is something that is taught and practiced and thought about - just like trying to parent and teach little honey bunny the golden rule.  If you have not put this into your daily life most of your life - you don't have the skills.  Loving yourself is a skill.  It is something to be nurtured and practiced.  It does not come easily if you are starting this later in life.  In fact it can seem downright silly and useless and even embarrassing.  I know most  women do not want to come across as over confident or arrogant or egotistical.  I ask you - who cares?  Surely if you can run a household, raise your children, train for races, manage a marriage, hold down a full time job, give back to your family, practice a faith, walk your dogs, take care of your house, nurture your familial relationships, get your mammograms and pap smears then surely you can take less than five minutes a day to look in the mirror naked and actually appreciate what you see.  Take even less than that - say sixty seconds - and look deeply into your own eyes every day and see what is in there.  See the pain, the stress, the beauty, the strength, the love.  See the love you have for everything around you but see the love you have for yourself.  It takes love to get you where you want to be.  Do you want to know how I know this?  Well I'm gonna tell you.  When I gave birth to little honey bunny I just about died from love.  I know we all love our children and this is not a statement that is meant to cause some spitting contest on who loves their child more. No, it is a statement of fact that for me, I had never known such love.  I love Honey Bunny like no other man.  I was content to love him for the rest of my life and not give it to any other until little honey bunny came into my life.  I can weep about this moment even still now as I am typing because it is so clear in my mind.  Over nine years ago when he came out (via emergency c-section), they immediately brought him up to my side of the curtain and the layed his cheek on mine.  My entire world view shifted.  My heart shattered into a million pieces.  Due to complications, little honey bunny struggled the first few weeks of his life and due to the massive drop in hormones and being in cold dark New York with no family or friends,  my heart stayed in fragments for several months.  At one point, I told Honey Bunny that I no longer loved him and could only have room in my heart for one person and little honey bunny was it.  Yes this was cruel and thank God Honey Bunny had the decency and where with all to realize that I was very depressed and sleep deprived and he forgave me.  When I came out of the postpartum funk and began my life as the Mom of little honey bunny my heart began to heal.  But just like the grinch when it put itself back together it felt about three sizes bigger.  The heart's capacity for love is endless.  Besides the blood pumping thing that is it's job.  To house your love.  Don't you think you can take just a little bit of that capacity for yourself?  It will make more.  I promise.

The One About Jacobellis

God I love the Olympics.  I mean I really love the Olympics.  I am a sucker for the winter, summer, all of them - almost any sport.  I loosely attach my affections to curling (strange sport - and those pants...) but regardless, I try to at least respect the tradition and team sport aspect and the fact that it is still an Olympic sport.  One of the things that I love most about the Olympics is that the athletes have to work for years to make the team and then they get one shot at a medal.  I cannot even imagine the pressure that they are under to succeed.  All of the sacrifice and the cost, financial and otherwise, from not only the athletes themselves but their families and coaches and trainers.  All of those people have something vested in these people and have attached themselves to them in order to be part of the ride.
As a marathon runner I take nothing for granted.  I realize everyday that Honey Bunny works hard and allows me to stay at home and train constantly year round.  I understand that I miss things that are important to little honey bunny as well as my Mom and Dad and Honey Bunny's Mom and Dad.  I understand that many of my friends do not get that I spend my time running and training and recovering.  I know that when I say no to things or when I have to ask them to work around my running schedule, they don't always like it.  I can appreciate the fact that it takes a village to get me to the starting line.  I would like to say that honestly, I carry all of these people with me during a race.  In all brutal honesty though, when I cross a finish line, it is all about me.  All of my sacrifice and hard work and sweat and pain is realized in that moment, not anyone else's. I work hard all year trying to get that feeling because to be quite honest, I am just a bitch without it.  Ask Honey Bunny.  I am much nicer and calmer and happier and fulfilled the day of my long run.  Usually, even if it sucked, the running buzz heals all wounds.  Which is why the Olympics moves me and continues to inspire me.
Last night I was watching the women's snowboard cross finals and I watched in about five seconds into the run, Lindsey Jacobellis went out of bounds and stumbled and just like that was disqualified.  I mean just like that, she was done.  Two years of hard work and this was supposed to be her redemption win and she didn't get it.  All gone - buh bye.  You know what she said?  "It's not the end of the world."
Um excuse me - YES IT IS!!!!!!!!!  HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?  You spend all this time competing, getting in shape, training, sacrificing, sweating, crying, screaming, spitting, and all you can say is it's not a big deal.  If I were her mother I would be a hot mess right now.  I know most people are applauding her for having some perspective but for gosh sake's girl - get your act together and at least act like you are pissed or sad or bummed or something!!
When I watched her go down last night I was right there with her.  I got the whole DNF thing and it took me back to a time when I was really really disappointed.  In everything.  My actions, my performance, my response, my body, my mind, my successful running friends, my training, EVERYTHING.  Every element that went in to my DNF I was pissed.  No, it wasn't the end of the world for me and I was not on International TV.  But I did have people counting on me.  And I was embarrassed to have to tell everyone what happened.
As I have started to train again for Flying Pig, things have been creeping into my mind.  We have had tons of snow and ice and yucky weather which has put a big pin in some of my running so it has been slow going wrapping my brain around getting outside for 13 and 14 mile runs.  I realize that as much as I would like to put last Fall behind me I can't.  It is out there and it will always be there.  I want redemption in May to prove to myself that my last run was not a DNF.  I want to prove to all my peeps that I can do this.  I have to prove to myself that I can. I know this was going through Jacobellis's mind at the top of the mountain.  If something happens that I can't control in May and I don't finish I am going to be pissed.  No big deal does not apply to me.  Not the end of the world?  Go away bad dream.

The One About Me Being Happy

Race Report Monday will actually have to be Race Report Tuesday because little honey bunny did not have school yesterday - teacher work day - so I was not able to string three sentences together.  So - how did it go you ask?  It went GREAT I say to you!!!!  I ran the Frostbite 15K on Sunday and I ran every step of the way.  My time was not as good as the first time I ran it (I credit Honey Bunny for pacing me that day and I was also 15 pounds lighter!) but I did run the whole thing, I did finish, even though I was in the way back of the pack and I was so happy and proud of myself.  I had three clients and friends running the race for the first time and they all crossed the finish line.  I was so happy and proud and psyched for everyone's accomplishment that it just was icing on the racing cake. I really did need this to happen for me - I needed the victory of a good run and race to justify all of my hard work and to start to undo last Fall.  My training season and marathon of last year was so dismal and emotionally draining that to have a little bit of confidence going into February is really exhilarating.  Did I mention I am so happy!!!!???

This weekend I went off the diet slightly.  Saturday was o.k. for the most part but I did have a planned pre-race meal of lentil and beef soup with whole wheat bread.  I drank 2 liters of water and woke up on Sunday to have my new pre race and long training run meal of oatmeal, blueberries and flax seed.  After my run,  all bets were then off on the diet front.  I had biscuits and gravy and hash browns and then moved on to steak and fries with a martini for dinner.  Yeah I had indigestion.  My stomach hurt and I had to sit up for a few hours before I could go to bed but I didn't care - I was celebrating and was having a great time - Honey Bunny had gotten a babysitter and we were having a really nice night together.  I was feeling positive and not at all anxious.  The plan was to continue on with the detox diet on Monday morning but having little honey bunny out of school threw a slight monkey wrench into the plan and I didn't juice in the morning and I didn't start out with a liter of water.  But I did eat a salad for lunch and some veggies and fish for dinner so all was not totally lost.  This morning I got up and started again but it doesn't feel like from scratch.  I was looking forward to the juicing this morning and getting a liter of water out of the way.  I had a killer workout at the gym for about 2 hours and came home and had a salad that I had made before I left.

I seem to have an abundance of energy lately and my mood is very elevated.  Unlike last week, when I was feeling really sluggish and blah and tired, now I have tons of energy and even some drive to get things done.  My workouts have been outstanding which really surprises me because everything I have ever been told is to get up and have a huge breakfast and get your metabolism going.  This diet is the opposite - or at least it feels very different.  As for losing weight - only about two pounds came off last week.  So this week I am incorporating a few things differently.  One is I am not buying any of the snacky salty crappy things that I get for little honey bunny's lunch.  Yesterday I had a talk with him and asked him to buy those things in the cafeteria and he agreed.  I told him the truth and said I didn't want them in the house because I eat them all the time and I wanted to make better choices.  He said - no problem Mom!!!  So cute.  The other thing I am doing is I have put the body bugg back on and shooting for a daily goal of burning 2500 calories.  I enjoy the working out and didn't do much of it last week so putting these two things together hopefully will yield some results.  If not, then next week, I will move into the weighing and counting part of the diet which I would like to avoid but I want to continue to progress and make better decisions about my health.  I was reading this article in Fitness Magazine and it was an article about why your diet's aren't working.  One of the reason's was because you don't stick with it long enough.  Most people are not patient (me) and when big results don't happen, they give up (me).  You have to realize that it is not about the end result.  Do not focus on what you will weigh and what your life will be like but instead focus on the process.  Now, this makes sense to me because my biggest realization about running a marathon was that ultimately, it is not about the race itself, but it is all about the training and the journey you have taken to get there.  It is about the miles and miles you have piled on - one after another - that gets you to your goal.  So here I am, at mile two in my nutrition/diet/detox/overhaul/makeover and I am doing pretty good!!!!  Oh yeah - and in case I forgot to mention it - that makes me happy!!!!!!!

Great Article!!!!

http://home.trainingpeaks.com/articles/running/the-tyranny-of-the-comfort-zone.aspx

The One About the Cutest Dog in the World

• Happy Friday Wrap Up!!!!!!!! Bullet Style...
• I just read this great article which I will post on the site after I post this.  It was about training in the "dark place".  It talked about how basically if you want to run a marathon - you must train yourself to suffer and getting through it as much as you must train your athletic performance and endurance.  This spoke to me!
• Speaking of marathons - one of the best quotes I heard this week about the marathon is that it is not a speed test or race, it is a strength race.  Can't give the credit to anybody - I watched it on the Dan Ho Show - love it.
• I am putting off doing a race this weekend.  The Frostbite 15K is happening on Sunday and I don't know if mentally I am ready to be out there.  I don't think I need another mentally debilitating run so I am trying my best to chicken out and not do it.  
• The weather for the race is supposed to be 62 degrees and raining.  Perfect right? 
• Little Honey Bunny was sitting in the car last night and was telling me what a bad basketball player he is and it doesn't matter because it is not his dream sport which is baseball.  I am concerned.
• Honey Bunny overheard two women talking in Chick-Fil-A last night about a great detox diet.  One woman was talking about how much weight she had lost doing one and the other was asking where she could get a juicer.  My first thought was - get your asses out of the booth!!!!!!!!!
• Seeds of Change makes these great simmer sauces.  They are curries and they go from level low to high in the heat department.  There is not an ounce of crap in any of them.  I had the mild one with my tilapia last night and I have to say - delicious.  Lick the plate good.  Too bad I am not eating any bread these days or naan as it would have been phenomenal to pick up every last bit!!!!!
• I took a three hour nap yesterday.  Before you condemn me for being astonishingly lazy, let me just say this to you - thhhhhbbbbbbppppppppp ( you know that is me sticking out my tongue and making that funny noise that kids make right?)
• I have tried to work this week without the tv on.  I have to have something on because I get scared in my house with it quiet (not in my own head).  That's from an early childhood trauma which is not a bullet type thing to get into.  Suffice to say - I did good this week.
• My dog Astrud is the cutest smartest dog ever.  Not kidding.  She's a girl's girl.  Even my mother loves her and she hates dogs.  She won't poop in the rain though so that's a problem but whatever.  
• Today I feel content.  I actually can't remember feeling this way, ever. Content is such a nice word.  A calming word.  I feel good in my own skin.  
• I was thinking today about all of the people who keep saying on the news (and by people I mean politicians and in particular Republicans) that the people have spoken.  Well I thought the people spoke in November of 2008 and it seems as if we haven't given anyone a chance to do great things.  For once, tell the truth, stop relying on the stupid press to do your bidding and stop speaking for me.  I can do it all by myself.
• I would like to go to one of the orphanages in Haiti and take every single child home.  I would love to help them heal and feel love and safety and have three squares and a warm bed and some shoes and some books and some...well I really just want to wrap my empty arms around them.  
• If you have not heard the song Elephants by Rachael Yamagata - you should immediately get on itunes and give it a listen.  Gut Wrenching and achingly beautiful.  Plus I am sure I get to be an elephant in a future life (as I am still trying to get this one right) because I think they are perfection!  

All done!  Happy Running, Happy Writing,  Happy Anything that gives you joy this weekend!!!!!!

The One About the Great Eliminator

Day Three of Detox.  YUCK.  UGGGHHHHH.  I feel like I am possibly coming down with the flu.  If you are squeamish about bodily things...Stop Reading Immediately and proceed down to the next paragraph break where I will talk about something way more pleasant.  So my body seems to be rejecting this food.  When I read that day three or so would be gentle cleansing day - I thought that meant that I would be hopping to the potty every hour or so.  What I did not bargain for was the amount of bodily fluids would be coming out of me everywhere else!!  Gross I know but I have had to blow my nose 25 times this morning and I have to pee like alot of pee every 20 minutes.  I haven't even pooped yet today which is somewhat alarming and makes me feel like I cannot leave my house.  I have been achy, irritable and really really tired.  I ran yesterday and it was horrible, I felt like my legs were dead stumps and my upper body was just dying to fold over on the ground.  I actually believed I was running backwards at one point because it was easier to run through the sand wall that seemed to be encompassing me that way than to face it dead on ahead.  Excuse me for a moment - I have to go pee and blow my nose.

O.K. I am back.  Thanks for waiting.  Honey Bunny has a theory that even detoxing from sugar and bread and carbs can be difficult.  He thinks that all this stuff is just trying to get out and my body has really gotten used to such nasty vile things and doesn't know how to function without them.  I cannot even imagine if I had done the caffeine withdrawal as well.  That is the one thing I didn't give up.  I still have a cup of coffee upon waking up (because nothing else could get me out of my flu like coma that occurs at night lately) and I do not want to off my entire family with a machete because I am dieting and going through caffeine withdrawal.  So I compromised but I am trying to follow the diet to the letter.  The hardest thing is after my coffee I begin the diet with a liter of water.  Not easy for me to get down an entire bottle of water before I can have any juice.  Even then, you really just want a scone or a bagel, not a big glass of spinach and kale.  So this morning I woke up and did not feel any better and I did not lose any weight yesterday so I was definitely on the verge of quitting.  Because that is what I do in these circumstances.  But I had to take little honey bunny to the dentist this morning so I decided to take my bottle of water with me and try to get it down.  Then when I got home, I made a new juice recipe.  This one is called The Great Eliminator - which if the title is true - I was just going to throw in the towel and bring my laptop into the bathroom with me.  It is not a green juice which I just couldn't stomach the though of today as it has beets and carrots in it.  So I juiced and poured the first glass and sat down with my meditation music channel on to write today and took a sip.  HOLY CRAP this thing is delicious.  It really tastes like a grape popsicle.  Not kidding.  It is sooooooo yummy.  So I can't quit today, because I won't get to drink this ever again so that is motivation enough for me to continue - at least for a few more hours.

I have found that I am a hump person.  I know, I know, please insert your common comments right here.  You know if I could come up with a better name I would but for now, let's just let this one sit.  I have this theory that for many obstacles in my life I just have to get over the hump and then things are good, sometimes great and sometimes even downright joyful.  I have this thing called a brain that gets in the way of these positive experiences.  My brain has a faulty wire that causes me to almost explode with anxiety when I am presented with some sort of obstacle.  Even an obstacle to something wonderful.  I seize up and get anxious and start to panic and think - oh my god, oh holy shit, oh fuck, fuck, fuck - I can't do this or what if something happens or I am going to be bad at this or crap, crap, crap.  So I have to go through this process and find some way to get over the hump of this anxiety.  I have to find some happy place in my mind that frees me up and allows me to relax and move on.  When I find this place, when I am over the hump, miracles happen.  The moment passes.  Like it was never there.  Like this morning.  I woke up, not feeling great knowing before I could eat anything good I had to choke down a bottle of water.  I knew I had to drink my juice before I could have something solid and delicious (today it is a sweet potato with organic butter and corn and lemongrass soup) so I really considered giving up. But I perservered and the moment has passed.  I am drinking my lip smacking delicious grape popsicle and looking forward to a steam and a sauna visit to my gym today.  Life is good.  Even with the humps.

The One About Migdalia

OMG - did you see The Biggest Loser last night?  I was completely drawn into the Green Team's youngest member and her "discussion" with Jillian first and then Bob.  This girl's pain is totally palpable through the TV screen.  I was brought to tears during her confrontation with Jillian. Clearly, she was pushing her buttons and trying to bring up her emotions.  What Jillian said to her though was what ran me over like a Mac Truck.  She said - your emotions are a compass.  They are not meant to be pushed down or ignored, they are meant to be felt and moved through in order to learn something about yourself and others around you.  When you don't feel them and move through them this is what happens (meaning a 300 pound girl with a wall the size of China's around her).  HOLY SHIT did this speak to me.  Now, I don't have 200 pounds to lose and I don't have a gigantic wall around me and I have learned to work through some of my shit BUT I couldn't believe how this scene hit me in my gut.  I don't like moving through emotions.  I don't like feeling anxious and I especially don't like feeling lonely.  Lately I am feeling both of these things.

After November and my big fat DNF I had to do some serious thinking about my running career.  I had already signed up to do the Flying Pig Marathon in May because I knew that my training was not working for me and I wanted a chance to work on my own without the stress of summer training and the gigantic one size fits all Sportsbackers group and babysitting and honey bunny's marathon and the heat and everything else.  I wanted to set a goal for myself and try to achieve it.  My two running partners had both been able to do that at Chicago and I wanted a taste of it.  Originally, one of them was going to run it and had already signed up for it.  The other one was considering it.  As of now, neither one is going.  I am not dismayed by this because I know they both love me and support me and will help me get there.  I asked Honey Bunny to run the actual race with me (he ran Richmond where I fell out and it was a horrifically bad scene for a marriage!) and he turned me down (lovingly though).  He said, you really need to figure out how to do this on your own.  WHAT?  WHY?  HOW? WHAT?  REALLY?
Why would anyone want to do this on their own?  Immediately I wanted a cheeseburger.  It was and instant, urgent and compulsive reaction.  I am scared of being alone.  The feeling that I am alone in this world is a constant and crippling fear of mine.  I don't understand exactly though where this comes from.  I have fabulous friends.  I mean fabulous.  I can think of about 50 people right off the top of my head that I can call or email or text and tell them I want to do something or just hang out or chat and they will be right there.  I have Honey Bunny and little honey bunny who do nothing but love me (and sometimes annoy me) and who want to be around me all the time.  It sometimes seems as if I have this hole.  This bottomless pit of need and emotion and it cannot be filled by anything.  I have many compulsive behaviours.  I shop, I eat, I could drink if given the opportunity.  Too bad I don't clean compulsively.  So, why is it that I feel lonely?  Why do I feel the loneliness if I am not actually lonely?  Have I programmed the behaviour with the emotion?  If I start to get a little anxious or lonely or sad or whatever, do I automatically think the world is ending except for me and I just start eating to pad the emotion?  Have I learned to feed or spend through every emotion, no matter what it is?  Is it now all the same?  Wasn't there some book written about "what's eating you" or something? Where you sit with the emotion for a little bit just to see what the emotion is?  Perhaps this would be effective for me.  Perhaps, I don't even know what I am feeling but when some uncomfortable emotion comes up I don't recognize it.  Perhaps, it is not loneliness.  Today, I will consciously feel all the emotions of the day.  Today, I will take a moment to figure out what I am really feeling.

Day 2 of Detox diet today.  This is what I ate yesterday.  I started with a fruit smoothie made with blueberries, acai, hemp powder, spirulina green machine, flax meal, coconut water and soymilk.  Then I moved on to the juicing.  I had a green juice made of spinach, romaine lettuce, cucumber, lemon and ginger which I sipped on all morning into afternoon.  Then I had a gigantic salad - and I mean huge.  I definitely wanted a snack at 4:00 which is when I always want a snack so I had some olives.  Then for dinner I had salmon with half of a baked sweet potato and asparagus with a mushroom gravy.  Before bed I had a glass of red wine and a small piece of chocolate. I didn't count anything.  I didn't weigh anything.  I didn't measure anything and I didn't write anything down (does this count?)  Today I weighed one and a half pounds less.  With as many trips as I made to the bathroom yesterday, it should have been three pounds but losing weight is not my forte so I will take anything.  This diet says that around day 2 or 3 or maybe 4 if you are particularly sluggish, you will experience a "cleansing effect" which I assuming means you will be pooping your ass off for a few hours.  I am hoping today is not the day.
One thing I noticed was how not swollen I feel.  No puffiness when I woke up today - my rings slipped on and off and my feet weren't the least bit fat.  Small victories.

The One About the Friend in the Magazine

So I am opening up my Shape Magazine and flipping ahead to the usual articles, the ones that I look to provide me with the inspiration I need to get my ass in gear and move ahead with some of my goals.  I love the Shape Reader Success Stories - love them!!  Then my next favorite is the journalist that they pick to journey with over the entire year.  I have found that these stories are way more realistic and I identify with the good, the bad and the ugly parts of their struggles.  So imagine my surprise and delight when I actually KNEW the editor in residence this year!!  It is my good friend from Charlottesville, Jennifer Barnett.  Now let me just share some things with you about this awesome girl that I remember.  First of all, one time, we all went tubing down the James River and this chic shows up in some awesome platform sandals, jumps in her intertube and floats down the River laughing and smiling the whole way.  Then I remember a picture of her in her office as Carmen Miranda with the fruit bowl and everything...LOVE IT.  There are numerous stories of her fabulousness but one memory I will always have is that when we were in New York and little honey bunny was in the NICU and very ill, she came to see me and not only did she come to see me but she went to the hospital and came in with me to see my baby.  It was very special for me and I will always treasure that moment.  So our lives have evolved and through the magic of Facebook, come together again and she is busy with her own family and work but when I see her in the magazine in all of her beautiful gloriousness, I can't help but get a little emotional and feel like I must somehow take this journey with her.

The end of last year was very tough for me.  I had my very first DNF at the Marathon in November.  This was every bit of humiliating and embarrassing as you might think.  It was an awful end to a very stressful and very difficult training season.  The other thing that happened was I did not get my annual period in December.  The definition of menapause is one year without menustration.  I would have a period once a year - usually in December.  I would hold onto this one period because it gave me hope that I could still get pregnant - no matter how slim the chance it gave me a shred to hold onto.  So when December came and went - so did my hope.  It was very, very, very difficult and sad.  I was really really sad.  So during this time I went on a bender.  And I mean a bender.  I ate.  I drank.  I didn't exercise.  I didn't run.  I gained 15 pounds.  Fifteen pounds in two months.  So I started running again and dieting again because nothing fit.  I was using body glide to get into my regular pants - not my running pants so I knew something had to happen.  I got a Body Bugg from Honey Bunny for Christmas which is a great tool but I can't seem to survive on 1500 calories - STARVING.  So I dieted for three weeks, worked out twice a day, sometimes three and lost 2 pounds.  Ridiculous.

I eat my emotions.  I eat when I am sad and I eat when I am bored.  I eat when I am happy and I eat to celebrate.  I feel like I deserve some things - no matter what it is and I feel like it should be food.  So this year - starting now, I will write my emotions instead of eating them.  Look out - could be ugly - could be painful - could be a train wreck - could be more than you want to know about me.  What am I doing in the meantime about the food?  I am detoxing.  I am very drawn to the world of organic juicing, whole, clean foods, raw eating and just plain healthy diets.  I love to read about nutrition and getting the most bang for my buck.  I love health food stores and vegetable aisles.  I don't really like eating them but it has gotten to the point that I know I will not feel good until I am consuming them daily.  And believe me, I don't feel good right now.  I am not sleeping well, I have stomach pains daily.  My digestion is not optimal - Dr. Oz would have a field day with me.  I have heart burn and muscle aches all the time.  This has to stop.  I am in really great shape as far as my exercise habits.  I work out all the time.  I can run marathons (last November aside) and my outsides need to match my insides.  Due to the premature menapause, my blood pressure is up and my cholesterol is borderline high.  I need to look at my overall health picture and really think about how I want to live the next 20 years.

So, along with my good friend Jennifer, join me in this journey.  My goal is that no one be disappointed when we get to the finish.

Order in the house - Shape Blog post - Diet, Fitness, Recipes, Healthy Eating Expertise

Order in the house - Shape Blog post - Diet, Fitness, Recipes, Healthy Eating Expertise

Don't Panic. It's Just Me Again.

Do you know that moment when you panic?  You know.  That exact moment when your world seems to narrow into tunnel vision and you start to sweat, salivate, your heart beats a little harder.  Sometimes sounds are muffled and your stomach does a little flip.  I know this moment well.  Turns out, I have this moment on a daily basis.  I thought it just happened occasionally.  The most notable panic attack I had was the six weeks leading up to my decision to bag Chicago.  I couldn't sleep.  I ate all the time.  I cried all the time.  I would run for three hours and they would be the WORST training runs of my life, and then I would go home and cry.  And cry.  And cry some more.  I was mad at everybody.  I would snap at little honey bunny and I would simultaneously scream at Honey Bunny and then want a huge hug because I couldn't tell if everything was his fault or my fault.  I was...a mess.  A complete and utter black pit of need and anxiety.  So I made the decision to not run Chicago.  I thought that this was what I needed to take back control of my life.  I needed to let go of something that I perceived to be causing me great pain. I thought that Chicago was it.  Turns out, I made a huge mistake.  What I needed to take control of was my training.  What I needed to take control of was my decision making and my emotional health.  I needed to look out for myself and stop looking out for everyone else.  I can assure you I have learned my lesson.  I have learned my lesson about making huge decisions in the moment of panic.  I have learned my lesson about giving up things for other people.  Because I am sitting here in Virginia today instead of going to the Chicago Marathon Expo.  I am sitting here waiting to run the Richmond Marathon instead of being trained and ready to run in Deena Kastor's footsteps on Sunday.  I am going to run 18 miles in the rain and 75 degree heat tomorrow instead of running on Sunday in perfect, and I mean perfect running weather.
So this is a great example of what happens to me when big things go a little crazy and I panic.  But you know what I realized through this process of reflection and regret?  That I have these moments almost daily, sometimes several times a day.  Do you know when I have them?  Right before I eat.  When I have to make a choice about what to put in my stomach.  Is it going to be a salad or a sandwich.  Is it going to be carrot sticks or chips.  Is it going to be water or a diet coke.  Happens all the time.
Honey Bunny and I have great friends.  We were talking about two of them the other night.  They have a situation going on their house that is universal with all human beings and that is how to care best for their offspring.  We all want what's best for our children and we all want to think that we are handling every situation the best we possibly can. But sometimes, we have to make the truly difficult decisions.  And we panic.  We are so emotionally wrapped up in our dilemma that we cannot always see the big picture or even the right path and so we make the best decisions possible at that given moment.  It is only after that moment has passed that we see sometimes our decision is wrong.  Like Chicago for me.  I think  that it takes more courage to admit that some decisions are not great ones.  That we should, rather than live in the vast pit of regret, we try our best to reverse our previous stance, learn from it, moved forward and try to recognize it the next time it comes knocking on your door.
Honey Bunny pointed out that many struggles occur again and again because we haven't had much success to build on.  I am looking for some success today.  Just today.  We'll wait and see what happens tomorrow.

I killed the Mouse...Again

So I am having trouble with my running mojo lately.  Which apparently is affecting all of the rest of my mojo.  My weight loss mojo, my working mojo, my Mommy mojo, my honey bunny mojo.  All of it.  So is the lesson for me that if my running mojo ain't happy, no mojo is happy?
So this is what is going on.  Honey Bunny says that I take a problem and I am like a cat with it.  Have you ever seen a cat with a mouse?  How they take it and carry it in their mouths and then play with it in the grass and then carry it some place else (usually your living room floor) and then they bat it around a little while longer until the mouse actually dies from a heart attack and fright (totally true) and then the cat rolls around on it and smothers it and it appears that they are loving on it but in reality they are preparing to eat some of it and then leave some guts for you?  Well that is what I do with a problem.  Particularly with a problem that has to do with other women and the wrongs of the world!!  Or really the wrongs I have perceived to be done to me.  Is that a woman thing or is that just some huge personality flaw in me?  And then why do I let it affect every other area and watch everything fall like a house of cards?
This is what I do know absolutely - marathoning and marathon training is a HUGE emotional gamble.  I know that it is physically demanding but emotionally for me, there has never been a tougher challenge than training and completing a marathon.  There are many training runs when you get to a point where you tell yourself, this is not worth it.  I cannot do this.  I am really slow and therefore worthless.  I cannot do this.  I will never finish.  I cannot do this.  This is a TERRIBLE thing to think about yourself, considering that when you are training for a marathon you are doing something that 93% of the world's population cannot do and have not done.  Another consideration is that half of that population probably would give anything to be in your Asics.  So it is very important to give yourself every emotional advantage that you can in order to dismiss those irritating messages that come up.  These advantages usually come in the form of pep talks and positive reinforcements.  Either from yourself, your friends, your coaches, your parents, your running partners, any one that you can get it from.  The key is to believe it.  Take that in for a second.  Deep Breath.  Hold.  Breathe out.  BELIEVE the MESSAGES.  Got it?  O.K.  So, back to all about me and my problems.  What do you do when you have someone that is messing with your mojo?  Someone close to you that is probably oblivious to the mojo messin' and most likely would be really offended if they knew they were doing the messin'.  Honey Bunny would say TELL THEM and tell them to CUT IT OUT.  Of course I am not going to do that because - two things.  I am a woman and women suck at that.  Also, I don't want to mess with their mojo.  So this leaves me with the only option which is to...wait for it...

Take responsibility for my own actions and my own marathon. 


OMG Did I just say that?  Really?  Shit, Shit, SHIT, I hate that.  As bad as I am at confrontation, I am even worse at taking responsiblity.  Let me take a stab at this.  If I want to finish a marathon in a certain time.  I need to do many things.  I need to put in the miles.  I need to hydrate.  I need to nourish my body with fuel, not Five Guys.  I need to rest and sleep.  I need to stretch.  I could probably stand to lose a few pounds but that is not the most important thing. I need to spend some time mentally preparing for every long training run.  I can do all of those things.  What I don't need is to wonder what everyone else is doing.  I also don't need to wonder and plan and prepare and bustle about making everyone else happy.  I only need to make sure that Honey Bunny gets his runs in and also make sure that some one is watching little honey bunny.
Did you hear that Honey Bunny?  I am bringing back the buzz....the running buzz that is.  Thanks for letting me kill the mouse one last time.  I am happy to report though, it is dead and I am laying the intestines at your door step!!!!

Back to School

So I put little Honey Bunny on the bus today.  So sweet he is and SO skinny!!  Reminds me of myself at that age.  He was actually nervous today.  I could tell.  He has never been nervous about going to school.  He loves school but this year he has grades and SOL's and he has a teacher that gives a lot of homework so I think he had some butterflies.  I too have some butterflies today.  I am nervous and excited for him but I am also nervous and excited for me.  I have about two and a half months until my marathon.  I was originally going to do Chicago which is about a month away but I got too tangled up in my overalls and had been having crappy runs and some emotional issues with those crappy runs so I decided to beg off and cancel that one and stick with Richmond which is in November.  Thus giving me more time to mull over my crappy runs and hopefully learn something from them.  What I have learned is this...I have to lose some weight!!!!!!!  Oh My Gawd if I could just lose 40 pounds, I know I could run faster!!!!  So just had to get that out.  That is really just the pity party that has been going on in my head for the past few months.  I swore up and down that I would not return to the bus stop the same weight as in June.  And here I am.  But you know, I realized that the problem wasn't that I failed once again at the diet thing - it was that I failed to plan correctly.  How the hell am I supposed to lose a bunch of weight when I have little Honey Bunny home all the time wanting to go get slurpee's and ice cream.  How do you drop some l b's when all you have in your house is ham and cheese and pirate booty because that is the healthiest thing you can get down your little 8 year old's gullet?  And let's not even get started with the snow cones and cotton candy at Busch Gardens and the baseball games.  Oh and I have some sweet memories of some margaritas and beers by my good friend's pool. Oh and the Dave Matthews Band shows.  Yum. Did I mention that I just got home from the beach (Gorgeous Kiawah Island) where diet mayhem insued? (Hint...Shrimp and Grits)

Deep Breath In.


Let it go.


AAAAAaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

O.K.

So the summer is a crappy time to start dieting.  Who knew?  Well I should have if I thought about it long enough. The pressure we women put on ourselves always astounds me.  If I have heard it once, I have heard it a million times.  "When my kids get on that bus I am going to...(fill in the blank here with your lofty goal)"  You know, how about a little goal?  How about, when my kids get on that bus I am going to, make my bed, brush and floss my teeth, drink a glass of water (most of you need to put down that bloody mary anyway!!!) meditate, put in a load of laundry, clean out one drawer.  My goal today was to blog because I have missed it terribly.  So here I am, already 10AM and I have reached my goal.  Wow - what an accomplishment.  Yeah Me!!!!!! There is some commercial that I really like and for the life of me I can't figure out what the product is but it has something to do with making good choices and how one choice begats another.  So if you are eating a donut and you take the elevator and you eat pizza for lunch and you have a latte in the afternoon and you stay up late watching tv then your life is basically shit and it is your fault.  BUT if you eat some magic happy healthy bar in the morning, take the stairs, eat a salad for lunch, drink some water and go to bed early, then oh happy day you deserve an award.  So one thing at a time ladies and gentlemen,  let's eat the magic happy healthy bar and pat ourselves on the back.  I think the rest will come later and naturally.
Personally I am patting myself on the back for just getting little honey bunny on the bus today all in one piece.  We survived another summer together and now he is a third grader.  And I have another chance to regain my composure and dive head first into reaching my goals.  Today I start with a brand new notebook and a brand new pen.  Much like my son.

On the verge of wrecking the car!!!

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!  Have you ever kept track of your calories?  I mean actually written down every morsel of food and calculated how much you have ingested?  Did you know that it doesn't take much to eat tons of food?  For instance, today I am starving.  I have been hungry all day long.  I don't know why.  I went on a puny run of three miles and have not been doing anything else all day.  But for whatever reason I have been keeping track of all of my calories, honestly everything. So truly, if it went in my mouth I put it on paper.  So I get to 4:00 PM and decide I would add up so that I could see how many calories I have left for dinner.  And you know what?  I have already eaten 1720 calories.  ONE THOUSAND SEVEN HUNDRED AND TWENTY!!!!  I thought, maybe a thousand.  Holy Crap.  

Honey Bunny gave me a challenge last night.  He said if I lost 30 pounds by his marathon I could have a shopping spree and he would fund it.  Now this may seem shallow for some but for me...I love clothes and I LOVE shopping.  I have not been shopping in some time and I have certainly not enjoyed shopping in years.  Once you get past size 12, shopping is a giant pain in the ass.  It's not really a question of "does this make me look fat", it's more a question of "does this not make me look like such a huge fat ass?"  Harsh, yes, but true.  So this marathon is in three months.  That's 10 pounds a month for three months in a row.  This means that during my marathon training and during my actual marathon I have to lose a tremendous amount of weight.  Now honey bunny runs marathons and he knows how hard it is to control your eating when you are in the end stages of preparing for a race.  You really can't control your eating and you can't control your appetite.  You are literally hungry all the time.  So why you say, must honey bunny be so cruel?  I honestly don't think he thought about it.  Probably because he knew I would think it to death.  And I have.  TO the DEATH!!!  Coming up with a million excuses as to why this is going to be impossible.  I also know that when I get to my goal weight, no matter if it is 2022, Honey Bunny is going to give me his wallet.  So today I thought I would just write down what I was eating and try to calculate it.  Knowing I need to stay somewhere between 1500 and 1800 calories I figured I would be somewhere in there.  Especially since knowing I was going to write it down hopefully I would control myself.  So this is what I have eaten today.

One half of an organic raw bar, a vivano orange, mango, banana smoothie from Starbucks, a handful of inchi seeds, one quarter of a wedge of cantaloupe, egg salad on a small roll, a large serving of fruit salad, some tostitos with homemade guacamole, one slice of bread with nutella, and a small bag of veggie chips. That is 1720 calories.  So technically I have 80 calories left for dinner and I have to run 14 miles tomorrow.  So that is a given that I will eat more than 1800 calories, possibly more than 2000.  I need to balance out the right amount of fuel and health and calories in order to have an efficient run tomorrow.  

In the past I probably would have just ordered a big fat pizza and some wings and not given it another thought.  Oh, I will just try again tomorrow.  But tomorrow is Saturday and then there is the rest of the weekend and I have to run.  So that puts it starting on Monday.  Why not today?  If I eat a healthy, dinner worth about 350 to 400 calories, that means that I eat somewhere around 2100 calories.  Minus the three mile run from this morning, that puts me at roughly 1800 calories.  So perhaps the damage isn't too bad.  Perhaps, I can salvage this day and not put my work in the toilet.  Perhaps, my self destructive thoughts occur when I think I have done something and I am right on the bubble.  Who really knows.  I feel like I am close to figuring it all out.  

Five Zero Three One Fifty Six

Visualization is a great tool.  I have been told by many marathoners that this is the key to success in many instances.  I once took a seminar that had a sports psychologist tell us that not only is it important to visualize your success but how you do it is also important.  For instance, when you see yourself finishing are you seeing yourself as if you are floating above the air and you are below you, or are you actually seeing the finish lines through your own eyes, are you actually in your person seeing the course.  According to this guy, seeing your success in your own person is more successful than the other way.  

So for the last few months I have been working on this trick.  Every workout, every run, every meal I have been looking at the finish line.  The clock on the finish line says 5:03 and the number on the scale says 156.  I am not sure why this is the number.  These numbers came to me during a particularly brutal workout and I just knew that I could not do this.  Somehow, this is my goal for October.

So where have I been for the last few months?  I have not been really losing weight, that's for sure.  Trying some new diets here and there, working on running faster and some training.  Nothing concrete.  Where did my resolve go to be relentless?  Well it went out the window when I found out I had a pinched meniscus and needed PT for the next six weeks and no running or training for three.  I have gotten through that but that was not a good month for me.  Eating, drinking and a slight depression followed.  Probably explains why I haven't been at the computer for some time.  I have been injured before but this was a little different.  Just when you wrap your brain around the amount of work you have to do and then you set a really achievable goal and you get excited, some sort of proverbial rug gets pulled out from under you.

WAAHHH!!!!!!WWWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you violins playing?  Are they tiny?  

O.K.  so I am pulling myself up by the bootstraps.  Here's the drill.  I gained a little bit of weight at the beginning of May during the hiatus - keep in mind I couldn't do anything...no cardio at all.  Very Very difficult.  So that put me up to 184.5.  Almost an all time high since becoming a marathoner.  So I started official Chicago training the last weekend of May.  I am doing the intermediate training program with a few changes here and there and I am running much slower than my race pace.  I have been able, so far to get in all of my runs.  I have hired a personal trainer who has a degree in nutrition and has run two marathons and has signed up for his third.  He gave me a diet plan to follow which I have been mostly.  I have had to tweak it a little since my runs are getting up in there and I am noticing a fuel deficit on the day of the long run.  He is also giving me a butt kicking twice a week.  So, now I am at 178.00.  I tend to go down and up two pounds at a time.  I will gain and lose two pounds from week to week but then all of a sudden these two pounds will be gone.  

I am also drinking alot less - maybe once or twice a week.  The last thing that is working for me is the amount of sleep I am getting.  At least 8 hours every night.  Totally awesome.  Love, love, love the sleep.

I am continuing with Physical Therapy but it seems as if they are getting ready to graduate me and I will probably only need to go back for a tuneup here and there.  

So that is where I am.  Back to blog.  Thanks for hanging in there and waiting for me.  I am very very happy to be back!

Happy Running,

Sarah